I did a thing, finally, it was by accident though. I went hard-hat diving.

I believe this is what happens when you combine hanging out with chamber technicians with not having The Ordnance (one of the cheapest pubs in London) five minutes walk away.

Officially I only went along to take pictures but after convincing the man who made the rig that I was a competent diver (despite being a flimsy PADI instructor), coupled with a spot of gastroenteritis on behalf of one of the intended participants, I got to cover myself in metal and step gracefully beneath the waves.

The last bit's a lie, obviously. Well, not the metal bit. There's an awful lot of that. Brass and copper on the helmet and neck attachment thing (to give it its technical name), huge lead weights around the waist and big lead boots. It's quite heavy. Really quite heavy.

I'd heard once that if you fall over, out of the water, in one of these suits you've no chance of getting back up again on your own. If I'd been stupid enough to fall over I'd probably be able to confirm that was true. If, say, I'd come back up the ladder after the dive and tried to take the last two steps in one go, tripped and swung round onto my back, to find myself very much pinned to the floor like an especially feeble cockroach, then I'd be able to confirm that rumour.

I can't, of course, which the picture's I'll be posting under this entry as and when I get them will prove.

Anyway, there's only two bits of advice I have for you if you ever give hard-hat diving a go. Firstly, don't try to prove how you're a natural at something you've never tried before by using just a tiny amount of air, because what will happen very quickly is that you start to blackout on the seabed from a carbon dioxide hit and then if you decide you ever want to get those 14 remaining stars on Super Mario Galaxy 2 or finish off the last two series of The Wire, or do whatever else it is people like to do (look at trees etc.) you'll have to turn up the airflow to the maximum and take a moment to recover forcing everyone on the surface to call you a twat and then have to apologise to Marina for calling you a twat, which means she then has to say that's OK, she knows it better than anyone.

The second bit of advice is not to attempt to deflect embrarrassment for trying to be macho with the air by trying to be macho with getting out of the water at the end by missing steps on the ladder because you'll fall over on your back and resemble an especially feeble cockroach until someone rescues you.

Awesome experience, though. Like being underwater with a goldfish bowl on your head yet dry at the same time. Or on the moon with a goldfish bowl on your head, except the moon's covered with water and you're dry at the same time and not popping. Or in your lounge with a goldfish bowl on your head except...