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Blue O Two
I know me t'interweb two point nowt and I want me chuffin' Big Fat Feed of RSS fed to me.
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30th November 2013 - Zombies. Obviously.
Grrrr etc.

Be warned: Walking Dead spoilers are rife in the following. There's a fair few Machiavellian spoilers in there as well, for anyone that's six hundred years behind pop-culture.

I just wanted to get this thought up here before anyone else steals it. And they will steal it. Like in 1975 when I had the idea for punk by refusing to eat my dinner, but was unable to express my destructo-creative desires in a coherent philosophical format as I was too young to talk. I'll never forgive Rotten for stealing that.

So, Machiavelli, as we all know, was an early renaissance era Italian political philosopher. Italy, at the time, had never really got over the glory days of the Roman empire and was in a state of political and societal chaos. This, obviously, is very much the situation at the beginning of the first season of the Walking Dead. Society has collapsed under the weight of apathy, moral ambiguity, and highly infectious corpses with a taste for human flesh. Machiavelli hated it.

But the goal was clear. Society had to be restored to, well, a society. And the best form of society is the Republic.

After the chaos of season one, a few human remnants of the old society take the easiest route to establishing a new society; they find one elsewhere. But here, we merely find an echo of the old problems: immorality; greed; petty power struggles; and zombies in the shed. Collapse is once again inevitable, so how do we create a strong republic?

Machiavelli has the answer in season three. It's an effective answer, but it's never been popular: The Prince. Played in this case by Rick from Teachers. Machiavelli has long been associated with the notorious maxim "The ends justify the means", which throughout history has been taken as license for bad people to do bad things, but this was never Machiavelli's intention. The point was that the ends had to be good ends, and democracy has never been very good at delivering revolutionary goodness. That's what the Prince is for.

Given the revolutionary episodes of the twentieth century, it seems clear nowadays that the ends are in part determined by the means, and you can't go around killing people just because they wear glasses if you want to remain historically popular. Even though people who wear glasses definitely deserve it.* But if you want something doing, it helps to have all power centralised in the hands of one person. And that person needs to be a bad-ass.

Thus, here comes Rick, TCB (Takin' Care o' Business). But his ultimate aim is good: to restore the Republic; and that's what he does. The Prison Principality is strong enough to defeat the external attacks of a constitution under the control of a similar, albeit more mental, Prince, the Governor, and When The Music's Over, Rick hands over the keys of the new republic to the people that live within it.

Thus to season four. Internal as well as external pressures are creating huge problems for the republic, and whilst it seems to have weathered the zombie storm, it's substantially weakened. Given that the auld adversary is back, it seems like the time for the Prince may be upon us again.

Particularly as this time the Governor is motivated, seemingly, by love. And that's never going to end well. Princes just aren't built for it. That's what republics are for.

*I never wear glasses. Except for reading.

Rob
Surf And Turf Safaris

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
21st September 2012 - An interview with Rob, creator of the Free Tanked Up App

Rob1: Hi Rob, how are you?

Rob2: Very well, thank you.

Rob1: That's good to hear.

Rob2: Well, maybe, but you'd know that anyway.

Rob1: Know what?

Rob2: Know that I'm well. Given that we're the same person.

Rob1: I was just being polite.

Rob2: You're an idiot.

Rob1: Well, what can you tell me about the Tanked Up App?

Rob2: How come you get to be Rob1 and I'm just Rob2?

Rob1: Well, it doesn't matter, does it? We're both the same.

Rob2: Yeah, we're both the same except you're numero uno and I'm number twos.

Rob1: Number twos? Really?

Rob2: Sorry. But still.

Rob1: It really doesn't matter who's one and who's two.

Rob2: Let's swap, then.

Rob1: Well we can't now, can we? The precedent has been set. Move on.

Rob2: It's a downloader for all of the back issues of Tanked Up Magazine.

Rob1: What are you talking about?

Rob2: You said move on, so I answered the question you asked me before I rather reasonably interrupted you.

Rob1: Got you. All of the issues?

Rob2: Did you just steal this idea from Richard Herring, anyway?

Rob1: No, I came up with the idea independently.

Rob2: Independently, despite having already listened to Herring's podcast in which he plays snooker against himself?

Rob1: If I stole it, you stole it as well. Given that we're the same person.

Rob2: Yeah, we're the same except I'm number twos and you're numero uno. Plus maybe you're a plagiarist.

Rob1: You'll never prove it in court.

Rob2: You're an idiot.

Rob1: So are you, then.

Rob2: Well, hopefully all the issues will be available, but at the moment it's just issues 5 to 15.

Rob1: What are you changing the subject for this time?

Rob2: I had no choice. Rob0 made me do it.

Rob1: Who's Rob0?

Rob2: The one actually writing this drivel. He got bored, couldn't find a way out of the argument, and thus employed deus ex-machina but was too gutless or unimaginative to make the deus ex-machina anything interesting, so he just used me to change the subject.

Rob1: He's an idiot.

Rob2: Yes. But he wants us to continue the interview and he says I have to say that we must obey.

Rob1: So, we have most of the issues downloadable on the Tanked Up App. What devices is it available on?

Rob2: The iPad.

Rob1: Just the iPad?

Rob2: All the iPads.

Rob1: Where can I find further information.

Rob2: Here.

Rob1: Thank you, Rob 2.

Rob2: That was amazing.

Rob1: What was?

Rob2: I said "here" but the words were actually a link to another web page.

Rob1: That is amazing.

Rob2: That's why I said it was amazing.

Rob1: I probably thought it first and you stole it.

Rob2: I'm going to kick you in the nuts.

Rob1: You'll be kicking yourself in your own nuts.

Rob0: I've had enough of this. Download the free app here. Did we mention it's free? It's free.

Rob
Dive Worldwide PNG

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
6th July 2012 - How to Purchase the FAQ of Dive Medicine
The FAQ Dive Medicine, penned by esteemed Messrs Firth and Eden, with obs

Step 1: Check fuel and oil in your computational device and perform pre-internet-usage safety checks before operating the ignition.

Step 2: Prepare a suitable beverage. Approved internet beverages include beer and coffee, in any order. Banned substances include herbal tea and methylated spirits.

Step 3: Launch internet browsing computational program. Stand well back.

Step 4: Ensure you remain well lubricated with approved beverages throughout the entire procedure.

Step 5: Apply suitable vinyl recording to the stereogram. Approved artists generally originate from the City of Manchester or are mid to late 1970s punkological merchants. There are exceptions to this rule, however anything approved by Cowell, S, is punishable by the severest of nut-kickings.

Step 6: Sit down and calm down.

Step 7: Get excited and bounce around for a bit.

Step 8: Engage yourself with your chosen internettal browsing computational program. If your chosen program is AOL or Internet Explorer 7, punch yourself in the mandible and desist from all computational activities until you've installed Firefox or Chrome.

Step 9: Using astronomical charts, compasses, calculations made with the angle of the sun and an accurate timing device, and with either the address bar in your internetional browsing computational program, or by clicking the link, navigate to the following address: http://www.amazon.co.uk/FAQ-Dive-Medicine-Oliver-Firth/dp/095534672X.

Step 10: Gorge yourself on the facts presented as promotional material.

Step 11: Learn how 'tis penned by both Janky and Shamanski.

Step 12: Wonder at who would let Lobectomy's alter-ego edit such a thing.

Step 13: Consider that it is the first diving medicine tome aimed at YE, yon aquanaut.

Step 14: Observe the informative and amusational qualities of the piece.

Step 15: Note with awe, the miserly cover price of a mere 8 of the Queen's own sterling plus 95 of her Great British pence.

Step 16: Become gripped by purchasing fever.

Step 17: Ferret around in one's breeches for a suitable purchasing device, often composed of organic polymers derived from petrochemicals.

Step 18: Operate the 'Add to Basket' and 'Proceed to Checkout' buttons.

Step 19: Transcribe information from your plastic purchasing device to the screenium of your computational device with the use of a board of typographical symbols.

Step 20: Or a touch screen.

Step 21: Or you can try talking to it like in Star Trek. You can always try talking to it.

Step 22: Transcribe your locational information to your computational device using similar methods to those outlined in steps 19 - 21 above.

Step 23: Confirm your honourable intentions.

Step 24: Anticipate swift delivery of tome.

Step 25: Wait.

Step 26: Remain well lubricated with approved liquids at will. Add solid matter in the form of food according to dietary requirements.

Step 27: Ablute and pass out according to taste.

Step 28: Change the record occasionally.

Step 29: Accept delivery of tome.

Step 30: Rejoice.

Rob
e-med Arabic
Comments on this post:
06/07/2012

Couldn't agree with me more there, Rob.

Whilst we're on the subject of profiteering, might I suggest (oblige) patrons in possession of Apple mobile devices, proceed directly towards a happy future by purchasing Cadence Trainer.

As summed up by Royston Electric: "Mate, it's only a dollar [69 Great Britlandish pencicles], and I promise you that not only will I download it, I will never use it and neither will I ever even open it".

Rob
Blue O Two
02/08/2012

Wow Rob that app looks amazing, if I were a barefoot runner, cyclist, triathlete, generic runner or erm... diver I'd definitely buy it because it's really really cheap and really really good.

Fat Dan (definitely not the co-creator of the app)
Adventure Divers La Manga
30/08/2012

Wow, that Cadence thing is most amazing. I have now upped my Caddishness to bounder level.

Nice work.

Flashman
e-med Arabic

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
6th July 2012 - How to Purchase the FAQ of Dive Medicine
The FAQ Dive Medicine, penned by esteemed Messrs Firth and Eden, with obs

Step 1: Check fuel and oil in your computational device and perform pre-internet-usage safety checks before operating the ignition.

Step 2: Prepare a suitable beverage. Approved internet beverages include beer and coffee, in any order. Banned substances include herbal tea and methylated spirits.

Step 3: Launch internet browsing computational program. Stand well back.

Step 4: Ensure you remain well lubricated with approved beverages throughout the entire procedure.

Step 5: Apply suitable vinyl recording to the stereogram. Approved artists generally originate from the City of Manchester or are mid to late 1970s punkological merchants. There are exceptions to this rule, however anything approved by Cowell, S, is punishable by a severe nut-kicking.

Step 6: Sit down and calm down.

Step 7: Get excited and bounce around for a bit.

Step 8: Engage yourself with your chosen internettal browsing computational program. If your chosen program is AOL or Internet Explorer 7, punch yourself in the mandible and desisist from all computational activities until you've installed Firefox or Chrome.

Step 9: Using astronomical charts, compasses, calculations made with the angle of the sun and an accurate timing device, and with either the address bar in your internetional browsing computational program, or by clicking the link, navigate to the following address: http://www.amazon.co.uk/FAQ-Dive-Medicine-Oliver-Firth/dp/095534672X.

Step 10: Gorge yourself on the facts presented as promotional material.

Step 11: Learn how 'tis penned by both Janky and Shamanski.

Step 12: Wonder at who would let Lobectomy's alter-ego edit such a thing.

Step 13: Consider that it is the first diving medicine tome aimed at YE, yon aquanaut.

Step 14: Observe the informative and amusational qualities of the piece.

Step 15: Note with awe, the miserly cover price of a mere 8 of the Queen's own sterling plus 95 of her Great British pence.

Step 16: Become gripped by purchasing fever.

Step 17: Ferret around in one's breeches for a suitable purchasing device, often composed of organic polymers derived from petrochemicals.

Step 18: Operate the 'Add to Basket' and 'Proceed to Checkout' buttons.

Step 19: Transcribe information from your plastic purchasing device to the screenium of your computational device with the use of a board of typographical symbols.

Step 20: Or a touch screen.

Step 21: Or you can try talking to it like in Star Trek. You can always try talking to it.

Step 22: Transcribe your locational information to your computational device using similar methods to those outlined in steps 19 - 21 above.

Step 23: Confirm your honourable intentions.

Step 24: Anticipate swift delivery of tome.

Step 25: Wait.

Step 26: Remain well lubricated with approved liquids at will. Add solid matter in the form of food according to dietary requirements.

Step 27: Ablute and pass out according to taste.

Step 28: Change the record occasionally.

Step 29: Accept delivery of tome.

Step 30: Rejoice.

Rob
50 Reasons to Hate the French

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
16th February 2012 - Loquita, la Gatita mas Poquita
Kitten consorts with member of allegorical 9/11 organisation

If you'd told me two weeks ago that I would be happy to be woken up at 5am by someone that smells a bit of poo, someone that wasn't me, I would have dispatched you to the 14th Century with an iPad in your hand, and delighted in watching you burn as a witch.

Probably this is the first recorded example of a cute kitten. It will certainly be the first time one has featured on the internet. Unfortunately, appearances can be deceptive, as this photograph, in which she is seen consorting with a well-known member of a terrorist organisation, proves.

Loquita is never happier than when trying to murder feet or inanimate objects. All feet and all inanimate objects. Except the cat tree. The $70 cat tree. The $70 cat tree, bought for this purpose, and which is regarded as some sort of historical curiosity that must not be touched.

Marina and I generally compete for her affections in much the same way that I believe all parenting manuals would recommend. Marina overfeeds her. I bought the cat tree. Marina's sister, Hollyester, completely ignores her.

Hollyester is her favourite human. But I'll fix that. I'm going to buy her a plasma screen TV, so she can watch kitten programmes on demand. And maybe a DVD player, too. No, Blue Ray...

Rob
Suunto

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
4th August 2011 - World Music, with a Celtic, Bhangra theme. On Didgeridoo

(iPhonoclast version)

I've been struggling, recently, to find anyone that believes Al Qaida was behind 9/11.

This could go either way, couldn't it. Where am I going? In the unlikely event that a sentient human thing is reading this blog, at this point, that sentient matter (you) will either be thinking "That's right, Rob, finally someone in the diving world is prepared to tell the truth about 9/11 and Dubya bush, and, er the Illumaniti. And Freemasons. And so forth. Gov'mint etc.", or you'll be more inclined to think "Oh no, he's turned into a hippy. I think I can hear bongos. Do something before it grows dreadlocks and tries to infect us all."

It's OK, there's no need to get the bleach. But why am I spending my time trying to persuade people that any "World Government" that's completely incapable of calculating a Council Tax bill correctly after 14 attempts, is unlikely to have been involved in faking the moon landings 25 years before CGI?

It's because I'm living in Port Douglas.

Port, to its skunk-befuddled, stinky little friends, is an excellent place to spend time swimming around underwater in Far North Queensland, but an even better place to purchase much needed sea shells with dolphins painted on them for around 65. Or to pay a similar price for a "frontal massage". By someone that's completely unqualified for it.

Qualified by whom? That's what I say; oh sure, so you're going to tell me that nothing works until it's been verified by the state and rubber-stamped by The Man, yeah? Right, kids? Right? Well, I nearly got away with it.

Anyway, hopefully by now, enough time will have elapsed for the above video of humpbacks to have loaded. It's much worse quality than the original, for which I blame my new Adobe editing software. And The Man. Mostly The Man. But it was quite nice at the time.

Not quite nice enough for me to overcome the trauma of living in a backpackers' for three weeks, five days, six hours and 24 minutes, though. If you've never gone backpacking before, and are unsure as to whether it's really for you, the following quiz should help:

Question 1) You awake one morning to discover that one of those wispy little moustaches that, although you're not sure because you've never been allowed there, you imagine trainee gangsters in Brixton might grow when their mums let them, has appeared on your weasely little face, just below your eyes, which are too close together. Do you:

a) Shave it off immediately.

b) Sport it ironically for an evening in the hope it will improve your chances of sexy-time.

c) Accentuate it with with four conspicuous chin hairs and a hat with floppy ear bits that dangle down near your vest. You're wearing a vest.

Question 2) It's the morning-time and you see a semi-sentient human thing (called Rob, for example), sitting in a seat pouring Coco Pops into a bowl. When Rob gets up to put the milk back in the fridge do you:

a) Do nothing.

b) Question everything, man. There's no way bin Laden flew those planes.

c) Sit down in the seat for the seven and a half seconds that it's empty and invite six of your be-dreadlocked friends over to talk about the nightlife in Bristol and how 9/11 was a conspiracy by The Man because buildings don't just fall over when planes fly into them because you've never seen it happen before. Except for that one time. On 9/11. And so Rob has to pick up the Coco Pops and eat them in the seat by the speakers with the Bob Marley playing out of them.

Question 3) You're a bit drunk and need a poo. Do you:

a) Go to the communal toilets and have a poo. Then flush.

b) Go to the communal toilets and have a poo. Forget to flush.

c) Go to the communal toilets, put the seat down, and then the lid over the seat, and then have a poo. On the lid of the toilet. Yes, the lid. It's irrelevant whether you flush or not.

I'm not in the backpackers' anymore.

Rob
Dive Worldwide

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
5th March 2011 - A New Low. Now on TV

(iPhonoclast version)

Given that humanity has yet to find any use for either letters or numbers, it's unlikely that this is going to be of any interest, but for those who are at work or suicidally bored, you may enjoy the zenith of my existence, although it's far more likely you'll prefer the nadir. Feel free to add comments. "Rob's face is not fat and he doesn't sound smarmy and reedy"; "Bring back Rob that we may have our televisual pleasure enlivened by him"; "It takes great courage to only find six letter words whilst all around you find seven"; that sort of thing.

I'm still failing to find a point to my existence, which will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me. My intense research into the matter has, however, enabled me to provide a brief translation service, should you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of ever having to speak to a recruitment consultant or anyone at all who works in HR (you can spot them: they believe that HR is the most important department in any company. More important than the soldiers in an army, for example, or the lizards in a shop where what they do is sell lizards). Here you go:

"I'll call you back later in the week" translates as "I will never call you back".

"I'll call you back tomorrow" translates as "I will never call you back".

"I'll call you back this afternoon" translates as "I will never call you back".

"I'll call you back in five minutes" translates as "I will never call you back".

"I promise I will call you back in less than one minute, may I be flogged naked in the street and rent asunder by stampeding horses if I do not. You have my word. My word is my honour, the only thing that is important in this life and I swear upon the vengeance of the very gods themselves that I will never ever break it" translates as "I will never call you back".

They rarely call you back.

Rob
Maldives Diving Adventure
Comments on this post:
05/03/2011

don't eat all the crisps at once

IJ
e-med Arabic
05/03/2011

You reminded me of Ian Hislop when he has said something clever on Have I got news for You.

Rob's Mum
Blue O Two
28/03/2011

Zenith.....you definetly said "tongs" not "tongues"...only 4 points should have been given. Cheating bloody scorers.

If tongs=tongues then how come yer Northern accent gets stronger the more time you spend in Oz.

JCF
Blue O Two

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
4th February 2011 - Will Dive for Bourbon
I'm king of the f***ing world

The last time I included any members of my family in a group email, it was to let the universe know that I was about to watch the 2006 World Cup. All of it. In Central America. My diving services were no longer required (by Satan herself) in Nicaragua and I didn't have enough money to return home to Blighty and the inevitable ticker-tape parade that one expects after three months out of the country. And I knew that this time, England were actually going to win the World Cup. So I was going to watch it all unfold through a month-long alcoholic haze somewhere around Guatemala.

Unfortunately, in this email, which I had drunkenly sent to a somewhat eclectic selection of contacts in my address-book, including ex-girlfriends, ex-bosses, bank managers etc., I mentioned as an off-hand joke at the end, that if anyone had any ideas as to what I could do for the rest of my life, then I'd be receptive to any suggestions.

My brother did a "Reply-all" with something a bit too sensible, but I think he got away with it.

My mother composed a one sentence response to him, which was: "For God's sake, let's get him home."

Unfortunately, being new to the interweb or "information superhighway" as she was calling it at the time, and not understanding what all these new-fangled buttons do on the computer, she too hit "Reply-all" and the message went out to everyone on the original list. To this day, I have several friends who insist on bringing this episode up in spasms of laughter every time I see them. Every. Single. Time.

Like I said, it was the last time I included any members of my family in a group email.

I only mention this because I find myself in a similar situation now in Melbourne. See the metaphor, above-left. And the cricket World Cup approaches.

I'm bored of creating places for words and pictures to live on the information superhighway, so if anyone has any ideas as to what I could do for the rest of my life, then I'd be receptive to any suggestions. Cheers.

Rob
Maldives Diving Adventure
Comments on this post:
04/02/2011
Spider (giant)

Pictured left: Giant spider terrorises Melbourne.

As an addendum to the above post, in defence of my mother's internet skills, I think it's only fair to highlight that she really was new to the technology, and was at that stage of online evolution we all go through where I was receiving six or seven emails from her a day with subject lines such as:

"Warning! There's a new trojan horse VIRUS going around! Send this to everyone you know or there computer will DIE!"

"Bill Gates is giving his fortune away to everyone that receives this email! Forward this email on to everyone you know! It's true: My friend told me about it and she's real smart like a lawyer or something and she sent this on and the next day she got a cheque for $3,000 dollars!"

"Ha ha! Funniest joke EVER!!!!!!!!"

"Sign this email petition to stop the Taliban mistreating womens"

and

"Ha ha! Do this IQ quiz GUARANTEED to tell you how smart you are! HA HA! Bill Gates only scored THREE!!!"

In prosecution of my mother's internet skills, I will also point out that five years later, she's still doing this.

It's just a phase. She'll grow out of it.

Rob
Adventure Divers La Manga
04/02/2011
Spider vanquished by Gates or Jobs, depending upon your time frame

Pictured left: Ha ha! Fooled you! Funniest joke EVER!!!!!!!! The giant spider is not terrorising Melbourne at all. It was destroyed by a giant pencil before it got within 50 miles.

As an addendum to the above addendum, am I the only one nostalgic for the days when Bill Gates was the Evil One with all the brains and money and Steve Jobs was the knight in shining armour for the common man, rather than the other way around?

Rob
50 Reasons to Hate the French

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
11th January 2011 - Sipadan is Quite Good

(iPhonoclast version)

I will say this, though: Given that muck diving is all about looking at tiny things in the sand that are incredibly well camouflaged, and since this is something that becomes exponentially more difficult to do in a strong current; perhaps such dives aren't the best place for newly qualified open water divers whose general idea of buoyancy is that "this button makes you go up, yes?"

As one diver kept smashing through the sand, power-inflating their BCD and rocketing toward the surface, then dumping all their air and smashing down into the sand / whatever it was I was trying to get a shot of again, before rolling around for a bit onto their back like a particularly graceless cockroach, I had pause to internally debate the corporal / capital punishment question.

When the divemaster gave up trying to point out the tiny interesting stuff and instead vaguely pointed towards turtles (Sipadan and the nearby island are infested with turtles) and morays for the rest of the dive, I realised that the latter option was, if anything, too liberal. The dynamite fishermen we heard and felt blasting the reef to pieces during the safety stop of the first dive that day clearly agreed with me.

Anyway, that's a grey reef shark above and more pics will follow. I suggest getting to Sipadan while you can because with the combined efforts of the diver and fisherman above, in a couple of years time there'll be nothing left to look at.

Rob
London School Of Diving
Comments on this post:
11/01/2011
Some sort of nudibranch

Nudibranch of some sort.

Rob
Blue O Two
11/01/2011
Snake eel

Snake eel; tiny; best photograph I have ever taken.

Rob
Adventure Divers La Manga
11/01/2011
Porcelain Crab

Porcelain crab, also tiny.

Rob
Diving Chamber Treatment Trust
11/01/2011
Wow.

Peacock Mantis Shrimp. Reight nice, like.

Rob
Adventure Divers La Manga
11/01/2011
Barracudaras

Barracudaras. Not tiny.

Rob
e-med Arabic
11/01/2011
Toit

Rat with flippers.

Rob
Adventure Divers La Manga
11/01/2011
Jacques

Jacks (Cousteau).

You see what I did there? Genius.

Rob
Adventure Divers La Manga
11/01/2011
Frogfish

Some sort of frogfish. Yellow. Tiny.

Rob
Adventure Divers La Manga
11/01/2011
Also frogfish

The same frogfish, actually in the process of turning his (or her) back on me.

He (or she) did this very slowly as it involved waddling around on his (or her or its) fins.

Rob
Adventure Divers La Manga
11/01/2011
Not a leaf

Leaf Scorpionfish.

Looks like a leaf.

It isn't though; it's a fish.

Rob
50 Reasons to Hate the French
11/01/2011
Grey Reefie

Grey Reef Shark.

This was at ten metres, two minutes into our first Sipadan dive. It proved to be the only time a shark came near me all week. Except for whitetip reef sharks, but they don't count because they just don't.

Rob
50 Reasons to Hate the French
11/01/2011

More jacks, Cousteau.

Oh, wait, I already did that joke.

Rob
London and Midlands Diving Chambers
13/03/2011

Hey,

I've literally just returned from Sabah. I dove Sipidan last week and loved it. The diverse marine life blew my mind. Equally the muck diving on Mabul and Kapalai was awesome! When were you there?

Daniela Marchesi
Blue O Two
14/03/2011

Hi Daniela,

I thought I'd set my expectations reasonably high for 2011 and arrived in Sipadan on January 2nd. Since then I've been forced to spend my days running away from exploding stuff in slow motion in order to keep the euphoria at a similar level.

Good idea for a film that. Put Jason Statham in it maybe, see if he can act.

Rob
Adventure Divers La Manga

For an even better blog than this... Read the Battersea Blog

 
1st January 2011 - Singalingadingdong

(iPhonoclast version)

I've always been a person that's happy to allow people near their feet; on some occasions I've even let folk as close as three or four metres without physically attacking them with a grappling hook I keep about my person for that very purpose. Which is why I was more than happy to visit a "fish spa" in Singapore on New Year's Eve.

At a fish spa, you dip your feet into a tank of water and hundreds of tiny little fish come and eat the tiny little bits of dead skin on your tiny little feet with their tiny little teeth. It lasts for about 30 minutes. I squealed like a little girl for about 30 minutes. I don't know why I wasn't asked to leave.

The same could be said for the evening do. We went to the most expensive restaurant I've ever seen on the waterfront and ate reight posh and that. Which means I ate bits of miniature beans and watched everyone else eat obscure bits of animals. The sort of bits not even the animal would miss, probably. Who even knew geese had livers? The most important thing I learned is that a truffle is a kind of incredibly expensive mushroom. I ate one. It tasted like a mushroom. The best bit was when a waitery type came over to discuss the vegetarian options for the fifth (yes, 5th) course:

Him: You are vegetarian, yes?

Me: I am vegetarian, yes.

Him: For the fifth course we have suckling pig.

Me: I am vegetarian.

Him: Yes. Is suckling pig OK for you?

Me: Does it have meat in it, this suckling pig?

Him: Yes.

Me: I am vegetarian.

Him: Yes.

It may surprise any readers of this to learn that after that I took advantage of it being New Year's Eve by getting drunk on a rooftop. Marina made me leave before I stripped off and jumped in the pool because she's a girl and girl's have little or no understanding of hilarity. Plus she wasn't as drunk as me.

A round of drinks was $126. Today I'm celebrating my bankruptcy by flying to Borneo.

Happy New Year.

Rob
Catfish Dive & Safari

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