ISSUE 18 ARCHIVE - REASONS FOR LAYING WASTE TO THE UNDERWATER ECOSYSTEM

Rob Hunt

It’s notoriously difficult to accurately survey population sizes of marine species.

It was at large.

It was a bit fancy.

I needed to test my LUEWDs (Laying Underwater Ecosystems to Waste Devices).

I heard about them fish what can bite and that.

It’s perfect for future biographical films to use as early evidence of my supervillainous nature.

Ecosystems won’t destroy themselves.

Ha ha! Dead fish.

It wasn’t me, it was you. Yes it was. Yes it was. Was was was.

If I don’t do it, someone else will.

Well, you smoked a cigarette within 400 metres of a playground yesterday.

Does not compute.

All life contains the potential for danger. Thus: terrorism.

It was there.

It was untidy.

Austerity... Recession... Something or other... You’re fired.

I was trying to channel the spirit of Jacques Cousteau, but I accidentally got the 1950s’ version.

It didn’t make me laugh.

It looked like your dad.

Free enterprise. Free trade. Free Nelson Mandela.

High spirits.

I thought we were doing Of Mice and Men, it was Lennie and I was George.

It doesn’t listen to 6 Music.

I watched the Thatcher film.

It was asking for it. They all are.

At least I’ve never killed anyone. Not many people, anyway.

It was baffling in its complexity, terrifying in its mystery, over- whelming in its profundity, and too watery.

No WiFi.

Dolphins live in it.

Stop being mean to me.

My dad ate a fish once and it made him do a vomit.

Another time he ate a bit of cow (which isn’t a fish) and it might have cured him of cancer. If he had cancer.

Here’s 8p. Go up the West End and buy yourself something nice.

I’m a bit too spiritual for your earthly concerns, actually.

This sort of thing wouldn’t happen if we had more guns.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

[Begin the theme tune from Dallas. Start slowly

and softly, get louder and faster on each repeat.]

Life’s not fair.

I think one of your nuts is swelling up.

Hey, no politics, no religion.

They’d have no time for that sort of thing on Dragon’s Den.

Project bloody AWARE.

Just explain one thing to me.

I am experiencing a dearth of interest in your proclamations.

I’m just a regular, god-fearing citizen of this great country.

Worse things happen at sea.

Do not touch my bottom or my cat’s bottom.

Thou shalt not accuse... er... people of... er... things.

I don’t much care for your tone of voice, young man.

Immigrants.