ISSUE 18 ARCHIVE - DIVING DOWNSIDES

Forest Fires

Funny how a remote inland consequence of dry timber and a heatwave can have such an immediate effect on diving and snorkelling. That story was true. My mate found the charred diver in the middle of the Aussie tinderbox. Next time there’s a fire warning, stay out of the water 100 miles away and go to the only safe place. 10 miles inland locked in a walk in freezer. Brrr.

Coalition Government

Ever had a buddy like this? Plan the dive, dive the plan. You agree to drop to 30 metres, enter the wreck at the bow, exit at the stern and come up the shot line etc, etc... They then announce to all on the boat that they disagree with the plan, without telling you, do their own thing underwater and wonder why no-one will dive with them again. Then they bleat for months later that it was your fault and that they were forced into buddying with you for the good of diving.

Drysuit Velcro

There’s Velcro – like you find on a worn out old cagoule, that barely holds it together but seems to do the job - just. Then there’s dry suit Velcro that makes superglue look like Blu-Tac. Sh*t that stuff is velcroey. It took my buddy and 3 divers with pliers 20 minutes just to open the leg pocket to get my dive card out. One guy got his finger caught in the closing flap and he’s still in my garage attached to the suit. C’mon O3, we’re not all Geoff Capes. I have ET’s wrists and Mozart’s fingers... can it be weaker?

Shark Charities

Boys ‘n’ girls, you do a great job. Well done chariteers! But can there just be one please. At my last count there were more shark charities than sharks. For real. And they’re still knocking out the fin soup in Chinatown. So can you all get together under one umbrella, choose a leader with a name like Graham, and kick some ass out there. You could be stronger than the triads who are your enemy.

Air Ambulance

Ever noticed how these seem to take you so far from the dive site and consequently your car and belongings - to a chamber? “We can land anywhere” they say. Well try the Rugby chamber not sodding Liverpool next time you take off from Stoney Cove. Try spending the Nectar points from the Heli-fuel and your double time at weekends on a bloody map. Then you will see London is closer to Eastbourne than Hull, and the Midlands closer to Chepstow than Plymouth.

Makes it a lot easier to get the motor back after treatment too.

Labour Government

Ever had a buddy like this? Finish the dive together. You go and buy the bacon cobs and tea. You get back and all your kit, the club RIB and van have been given away to a family of 10 who have never dived in their lives and who never will dive. Your buddy says he feels better inside for such an act.

You can’t afford new stuff and so never dive again.

Sea Shepherd

Nice work fellas.

But may I suggest submarines and torpedoes. It worked for the US Navy in Truk after all.