ISSUE 16 ARCHIVE - LEON WILDEBEEST'S SCUBA DIVING NEWS NUGGETS

Leon Wildebeest

Kitchen Clean-up Keeps Cancer Confined to Christmas

Customers of Aardvark Aquatic Adventures helped clean up the dive shop kitchen and raised over £35 for the Eastenders Christmas Cancer Cause in the process.

112 punters from all over Britain’s north west travelled across country to Essex in order to help clean up the dive shop kitchen. The kitchen, infamous for its level of disorder, has been in a terrible state of repair since a party to celebrate tidying up the stock room got out of hand last March. All participants received a pair of bright yellow rubber gloves, and a solid gold atom to commemorate the occasion.

Donations of £35.16 were received on the day, leaving owner Alan Alt-Delete, 55, gasping for breath through tears of joy. “It’s been hard work for them”, he said yesterday, “and it was just as hard, if not harder, standing and watching them do it”. Although there were several outbreaks of e-coli and severe flooding, Alt-Delete echoed the perennial words of Glastonbury’s bewildered Michael Eavis and described the atmosphere as “magic”.

The £35 raised will go towards the Eastenders Christmas Cancer Cause, which seeks to ensure that all storylines centred on the tragic disease are confined to Christmas and New Year episodes of the popular soap, as is appropriate.

Stars in their BCDs

Rogue scientist Kenneth Plinth, 48, is dominating the headlines again after discovering a mathematical formula to find the perfect fitting BCD – and applying it to the stars.

Plinth’s paper, published in Grotum magazine, uses a novel combination of calculus, geometry, and pictures of scantily-clad celebrities to predict exactly which brand of BCD would work best to control their buoyancy. He came upon the formula during a fevered moment of inspiration, as he flipped through various glossy magazines and contemplated the £6,000 payment he’d just received from Dave’s Diving Den in Dagenham.

“Angelina Jolie would be a Mares girl”, Plinth chirps, “whilst with Jennifer Aniston, you’re looking at Aqualung”. How about Jessica Alba? “ScubaPro, definitely”, asserts Plinth, “it’s a question of the measurements. And the maths. And that.” Given that it’s jubilee year, what about the Queen? Plinth turns grey, “I hadn’t thought about it”, he stammers, “I think it’d be treason”.

All brands of BCD mentioned in Plinth’s paper are available, as it happens, at Dave’s Diving Den in Dagenham. “And there’s a 5% discount if you mention my name”, adds Plinth, “while stocks last”.

Political Correctness Goes Mad

Shocked residents of the provincial enclave of London were left in mourning today, as Political Correctness ran riot through the town in the early hours of yesterday evening, killing six and seriously injuring two more.

The rampage began in the local Scuba School during an entry-level diving course when an altercation broke out between Correctness, 25, and some bloke with a moustache. Witnesses claim Correctness overheard the moustachioed man “laugh” at one of the jokes in a PADI video. What began as harmless fisticuffs soon descended into tragedy, however, when Correctness, fearing being misinterpreted as “anti-tache”, saw fit to even things up by volleying a toddler over a wall.

Violence erupted into the usually sleepy London streets as Correctness, wracked with horror at the possibility of being branded a “paedocidal maniac”, ran into the streets in search of a woman to punch in the face. No one knows for sure where he managed to get hold of a lance, but it is certain that at this point local residents described the scene as “chaos”.

One Twitterette, using the name “golfingenthusiast741”, twatted thusly: “omg its caos out there cant believ whats happening omg”. A Facebook page entitled “The thing in London made me sad” has been created and already has over 14 million followers. One of them posted this: “My tears of sadness pour out for the pore people of Loddon”.

It seems the only guiding principle behind Correctness’ trail of carnage was the desire to be inclusive of all ages, races, sexes, and the gays. When police finally took him down in a hail of gunfire, it is reported he was running, lance held high and smeared with the blood of innocents, looking for a Hispanic teenager, possibly of Puerto Rican origin, ideally disabled in the legs. According to golfingenthusiast741 he was heading in the direction of “Spain?”

For now, in the aftermath, tear-stained denizens of London are left only to ask: “Why?”. And “What about them asylum seekers?”

Scuba Diving News News

Scuba diving news dropped three points in the last quarter across the whole of Europe, mirroring a similar decline in the Asia Pacific region and around the world in general. Experts have blamed the lack of Scuba diving news on a drop in confidence that things might be happening underwater due to a lack of Scuba diving news events reported in the sub-aquatic realm.

Analysts have warned that if Scuba news continues to decline in this way, a drastic bailout package of up to 17bn Scuba stories may need to be invented and pumped in to the diving world by the International Federation of Scuba Diving Agencies, in order to avoid a total collapse of information coming out of the sea domain. Rumours of such action and a full moon have already sparked public unrest and drinking binges on the Thai island of Koh Tao. A public spokesperson for DivingCorp Information Services on Wall Street declined to comment.