ISSUE 14 ARCHIVE - 20 RULES FOR THE PROSPECTIVE RED SEA DIVE GUIDE

Ian Higgins

Dedicated to all Red Sea dive guides past, present, and the ones yet to be born...

1 Never tell the guests what you saw last week, because you’ll see bugger all the week they’re there.

2 Day off? These two words are never heard during the months of October and November. The word ‘working’ is never heard during the months of January and February.

3 Your commission will never be right... EVER.

4 DMTs (Divemaster Trainees or Dumb Mental Tw*ts) – we were all one once.

5 Take a GPS to the Thistlegorm and know how to use it because the skipper will never find it, even though he’s been ten times and the liveaboards are already moored on it.

6 Don’t do night dives in the summer as you won’t get home till 11pm.

7 Third dives in the winter for 10 Euros commission – are they worth it? Hell no! Brrrrr.

8 Drink plenty of Sakara/Stella as we’re always telling the guests to be hydrated. [Now I think Dr Oli might not recommend this particular liquid hydration].

9 Mix business with pleasure. It saves a fortune on beer.

10 After doing your umpteenth Open Water course, ask for a change, and be given DSDs (Discover Scuba Diving).

11 When doing Rescue courses, only shout “pizza, pizza” near italians.

12 Male guides enjoy the bikini fish, it’s the only perk of the job, trust me.

13 Never tell a taxi driver where to go, as they’re probably from Cairo and you know Sharm/Hurghada better than they do. Just point and yell “alatoollll”.

14 Be Advanced Nitrox qualified, then you can use 02 to cure your hangover.

15 Female guides – remember to cut your fingernails or spend a fortune on new wetsuits.

16 Watch out for women lifting cylinders and keep your toes out the way.

17 Don’t p*ss the counter b*****s off, as two days on the trot to the Thistlegorm isn’t good, but the commission is.

18 Don’t mention the ‘s’ word unless you have newly qualified divers in the winter who want to do third dives every day, then mention ‘shark’ every briefing.

19 If you want to get to the dive centre on time, don’t wait for the staff bus, it rarely turns up.

20 There are more than twenty rules, but telling you them all wouldn’t be fun... for me. When you get to guide, enjoy it. After all, you’ve spent thousands to get here. In words after Baz Luhrmann “If you work in Sharm leave before you get hard, and if you work liveaboards, leave before you get soft”.

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