Issue 9 Paul Toomer, Agony Aunt from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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22 December 2024

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	ISSUE 9 ARCHIVE - PAUL TOOMER, AGONY AUNT Whatever your problem, Auntie Toomer is here to help you out... Q: Dear AT, My girlfriend bought a BCD and semi-dry wetsuit last weekend, which leaves me on the horns of a shocking dilemma. The BCD is awesome, but so is mine, so I can handle that. Unfortunately, the semi-dry is also awesome and it was underneath Rye Pier last Sunday that my drysuit was clearly inspired to fulfil its own ambitions and became a semi-dry itself. It's been threatening to ever since I hauled it, battered and crushed from the shipping crate. The problem is it's the zip that's gone, so I'm looking at a AU$500 repair bill.
A fantastic semi-dry along the lines of my girlfriend's will set me back AU$850 and will sneak me back into the lead in the battle of 'who has the best gear' because my regs are superior, and will remain that way for at least another two months until they break as well. What do I do? I'm not a tight person, except when it comes to spending money, so any advice would be appreciated. So that you have all the information required to make an informed decision on my behalf, I can tell you that the drysuit is a membrane design and now goes under the name 'the thing with the b***d zip'. The water temperature is f*ing cold, or 12 to 13°C. Rob, the Lob
A: Hey Rob, A dilemma indeed my can-throwing friend. Before I answer the question though, we must have a look at the bigger picture. You are a man, no? Your girlfriend is a girl... correct? Well you never can tell with 'Our Rob'. She is superior! It's the rules. The law. Fact. The way it is. God is a woman. Even the Devil bows to women. You need to know your place young man, and competing in the drysuit/semi-dry suit competition is a fight you shall lose. Mark my words, you will lose painfully and there will be extreme menace involved. Did your Dad not explain the birds and the bees? It has got sweet FA to do with making babies; it's all about sex. And I don't mean bump and grind either. It's about the eternal struggle. The battle for supremacy. Male v Female. You are only the boss when she is not at home. You are a Mr Stephens to her Jeff Vader. The fairer sex, ha! What utter tosh, nothing fair about a woman scorned, and trust me, poncing around the house in a new drysuit will be seen as extreme scorn. If you get a suit and it is better than hers it will no longer be 'the thing with the b***d zip', it will be 'the thing with the b*d in it'! OK, so here is what I suggest. Seriously. Since you are going to be a 'man' and get a suit anyway, I suggest you blow the arse out of it. I mean, if you buy a piece of shit – you will die, if you buy something average – you will die. So buy the best. Fk it! Do it. Never mind a nice semi-dry. A semi-dry is actually a semi-wet, and wet means cold. Semi-dry is like coming second in a race, and we all know that second is first of the losers. Are you a loser boy? Well are you? So we go dry! Now which drysuit I hear you say? Never mind which brand, although I wear a suit made by a company that starts with 'O' and has a 'Three' in there too, just make sure it is all singing all dancing. Mate, you could die scuba diving so we have to make sure we look cool if we go. It must be black. Nothing else will do. Do not be tempted by teal and indigo and other such hideousness. Black. Beautiful pure heavy metal, get the f**k out my way black!
Finally, It must have braces. Must have leg pockets, zippered not Velcro. A Pee valve is a must. Let's face it; you will be spending a lot of time on your own when you get this baby home, so you may as well dive. And that means you will need to pee. It will also be a lot more peaceful underwater. Unless of course, you went crazy and bought his and hers full face masks with comms? Finally, it must come with a hood, bag, lube and changing mat. If you are not prepared to be hung, drawn and quartered by your woman, I suggest duck tape at B&Q, stick it over the hole where the zip was/is. Sorted! I do hope that was helpful. Please remember that the views expressed in this article are the views of all staff at this magazine [No, they are not... well, they might be]. If you've got a problem, and if we can find him, maybe you should email Auntie Toomer. You might also like to check out The Diving Matrix.
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