Issue 9 Horrorscopes from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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22 December 2024

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ISSUE 9 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES Astrologisation by Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE of Atlantis: Britaindom's most inspired psychic, medium, clairvoyant, and scientific advisor to Dan Brown. If anyone's going to make the decisions in your life, then make sure it's her. Spoonbending and climate-change scepticism half price on Wednesdays. Brought to you in association with Archaeopteryx, official dinosaur of Tanked Up Magazine, and England, home of jam.
	Aquarius Using my magical powers, I predict a cold snap this spring, which seems like glum tidings for Aquariums. The heavens bestowed some unsteady feet on you and you'll find yourself in a spot of bother as you lose your footing on an icy patch of zombie blood outside the Post Office and fall, seriously fracturing your selfesteem. Turns out nice again though, because as you lie there calling in sick to work, you find a crisp £20 note lying in the gutter next to a mouldering ear. Bad luck. Pisces Looks to be a cold spring for Piscopalians as you find yourself fending off a pesky zombie outside the Post Office. You distract it by pretending to find a coin behind its ear and then ripping it off, thus avoiding being bitten. Unfortunately, the £20 you lost whilst rummaging in your girlie purse for the coin is sorely missed once inside as it means you're no longer able to pay your gas bill and you get cut off. Turns out nice again though, because a Post Office employee takes pity on you and lets you get off with them.
	Aries Things look bleak for Ariels this spring as you leave home for a day in order to escape the comedy sex noises coming from your next-door neighbour's house as they try to keep themselves warm with bits of a Post Office employee. Sadly, you forget to leave the heating timer on and what with your neighbour having their gas cut off, your pipes freeze and then explode, so you come home to three feet of water on the ground floor. Turns out nice again though, because zombies are unable to cross bodies of water and have to watch morosely from the sidelines as you cash in by renting out your lounge to the local BSAC branch. Or is it vampires that can't cross water? Maybe it's monkeys. Taurus Spring gets off to a painful start for Tauruscans who've been chased into the sewers by a swarm of the undead. As you scurry under a nearby house, the floor gives way due to the massive amount of water it's supporting and a startled, yet massive trainee diver plunges through onto your little finger. This leaves you no choice other than to borrow their puny dive knife and use it to hack off your own arm. Turns out nice again though, as you learn from the diver's last words that it's Saturday: your favourite day of the week for tricking people. Gemini It's a rough spring start for Geminians as a prankster asks you to hold their severed arm for a moment while they help an enormous diver out of a small hole, then runs away giggling at your gullibility, leaving you with the task of disposing of it. Turns out nice again though, as it transpires the diver had been bitten some time ago and was in the last stages of zombification. Now fully turned, you're able to pass them the limb to gnaw on, leaving you free to pinch their antique snorkel.
	Cancer A tricky start to spring for Canticles who finally close in on what may be the One True Snorkel carved by Jesus, only to see it get nicked by a passing ruffian. You order them to stop and flash your Ministry of Diving Archaeology badge, but they quickly blow down the snorkel to invoke its magical time-travel powers and escape. Turns out nice again though, as it transpires it was just an old US Divers snorkel and they only go back a week, whereupon they discover the snorkel was contagious and they become the first victim of what becomes a zombie plague. Leo A surprise visit from a relative turns nasty for Leots this spring, when they attack you and turn you into a zombie. Virgo Virgils will land an exciting new job this spring. As a zombie. Libra Libations finds themselves lucky in love this spring, but unlucky when it turns out the partner of their dreams has just bitten them and they'll shortly be joining the ranks of the undead. Scorpio Scorpulans will be running through the streets and begging to be chomped on by the first zombie they can find this spring, as it's a great improvement on their old job of administrating pensions.
Sagittarius An enormous lottery win serves to distract Sagits from matters at hand this spring, specifically your own hand which is bitten by a zombie. You have one hour and eleven minutes before joining the infernal ranks yourself. Capricorn Spring starts excellently for Capris who land their dream job operating the particle accelerator at CERN, standing in for the previous operator who had to call in sick with fractured self-esteem following a fall outside the Post Office. Unfortunately, you're colour-blind and instead of pressing the green 'Do Science' switch, you accidentally hit the red 'Destroy The Universe' button and wipe out everything there is at the speed of light.
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