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Auntie Toomer


Whatever your problem, Auntie Toomer is here to help you out...

Q: I'm off on a dive holiday in the next few weeks and my chest and back are in pretty bad condition at the moment. They don't seem to like my current Gillette Fusion razor.

I'll be heading along to Boots for my holiday essentials and will pick up some new razors so was wondering what you recommend? Anything that's good for sensitive skin? Do women's razors work better? Are they more sensitive with that little 'moisturising' strip on it - so I'm considering trying those out.

Oh and just to let you know - hair removal cream is even worse for me and I do get waxed whenever I can afford it - which isn't right now after paying for my holiday.

Thanks so much for any suggestions.

Herr Suit
Ralf Tech
A: My dear Herr Suit,

Sounds to me like you are of the hairy German variety, but judging by your English, you have been living (hiding) in England for some time now. I am guessing you are part of the Royal Family and if so, I am surprised that you have no one on staff that could give you some assistance. Are you fearful of a scandal? Also, that little ginga prince probably is not someone to confide in. Now, have no fear, you are in very safe hands.
It is most important that we get this right, as unruly hair underwater can cause excessive turbidity. This can cause reduced visibility leading to visual reversal and the primary symptom being disorientation and perhaps even death. You will not find this covered in any diving manual I'm afraid, seems people would rather not talk about it. It's a little like Harry Potter mentioning Voldermort.

So, the Gillette Fusion is about as badass Motherf**ker razor as you can ever buy these days and it comes with a lubricating strip as standard. You need to RTFM (read the f**king manual) my good man. I can't believe you can't get this baby to remove the hair.

So this leads to the question, how long is the hair on your chest and back? Are you like a monkey man, or just excessively hairy, like a human coconut? Also, how coarse is the hair? There is so much more I need to know. I would love to consult with some of my mates at GLUG (Gay and Lesbian Underwater Group) but I'm afraid you have not supplied me with anywhere near the amount of info that is needed.

So here is my suggestion, based on the worst-case scenario that you are so hairy that when you go to the zoo, people wonder why you are out of your cage. I would buy a set of electric (no ponsy battery-powered) "Wahl" hair clippers, set them to number two and get to it. Then I would go to Boots and buy their very own brand "EXPERT SINGLE USE WAXING STRIPS". According to the description on the packaging "Hair may be a fact of life but sometimes you've just got to draw the line"! You are no stranger to the pain of waxing and I am sure you will have no end of volunteers that will help remove those last stubborn hairs. Boots also do a nice range of moisturisers for post wax soothing. My favourite is Coconut.

If all this advice fails just go on holiday to Greece, no one will notice your hairiness there.

If you've got a problem, and if we can find him, maybe you should email Auntie Toomer. You might also like to check out The Diving Matrix.
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