Issue 8 Rob's World: A Diver's Guide To Marine Life from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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23 November 2024

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ISSUE 8 ARCHIVE - ROB'S WORLD: A DIVER'S GUIDE TO MARINE LIFE
Until very recently, the human race was entirely oblivious that there was anything in the oceans at all, regarding the sea as merely difficult land for walking on but useful for tossing unwanted kittens into. All that changed in 1969 when Jacques Cousteau, inspired by the Beatles' song Octopus's Garden and a massive dose of Chiswick LSD, invented the aqualung. Suddenly, a whole new world of wonders was discovered, filled with reefs to dynamite, sharks to hack up with axes and baby whales to run over with propellers. Since then, almost 87 species of delicious marine-based animals have been discovered, causing government officials to declare the oceans offlimits until such time as an appropriate marine life guide exists, lest the hapless diver becomes dangerously confused and mistakes a fish for a baby seal or something and tries to club it with disastrously unprofitable consequences. Fortunately for you, dear diver, the oceans are on-limits once again because this, is that appropriate marine-life guide. Turtles. Turtles are often mistaken for tortoises, thanks to the Godless tyranny Charles Darwin wreaked upon the world with his blasphemous ramblings. But in truth they're not even reptiles, they're fish, because they live in the sea. Turtles are housed in a big shell which is ideal for carving your initials on with a dive knife. Whales. These cumbersome chaps come in three tasty varieties: the big whale, the whale shark and the dolphin. Big whales are a dangerous menace to whaling vessels and are subject to an international effort to have them extinct by 2016. Sadly, this will be a big blow for divers as they are easily graffitied with common, household spray paint when they breach. Whale sharks have dots you can connect into amusing patterns with biro, and dolphin blowholes are an ideal repository for cigarette ends, bottle tops, and other assorted litter. Cephalopods. Cephalopods are fish with eight legs: cephalo being the Greek for eight and pods being an ironic tribute to Ian Pod, the inventor of MP3, who was hanged for discovering spiders in 1924. The cephalopod family is comprised of squid, octopi, cuttlefish and bats, but little is known of them as they live at depths of over 150,000 metres. Indeed, the only thing we know for certain is that they sink ships out of sheer wanton malice. The presumed ability of the cPod to change colour was recently exposed by Quadrophenia's Roger Daltrey as being apocryphal on the grounds that the very concept is absurd. Cephalopods are great for kick-arounds when their legs are tied together.
Nudibranchs. Coloured slugs, quite chewy. Sharks. Sharks were unheard of until 1975 when Steven Spielberg brought their true nature to global attention with his public health film: Jaws. Sadly, this information was brought to the world at a tragic cost: actor Robert Shaw lost his life when his concentration lapsed during filming and he got bitten in half. Happily, thanks to the efforts of Asian restaurateurs Biteback, these days you're more likely to find shark extremities in a delicious soup, side by side with some tasty tiger cock, than in the sea, but for the diver who does encounter one of these vicious rodents underwater, they're easily rendered unconscious by a swift headbutt. Thus knocked out, you're now free to snap their nuts off at your leisure. Rays. Ray Liotta was excellent in Goodfellas but seems to have done little else since. Ray Reardon was the 70s most frightening snooker player and Ray Parlour had frightening hair, but he was a footballer. So was Ray Clemence. And Ray Wilkins but he was unfashionably bald. Voodoo Ray was a song by a Guy Called Gerald and Des'ree isn't a ray at all but some sort of singing thing, I think. Ray Stantz was a Ghostbuster. [Terrible – Ed] [It was your idea – Rob] Crustaceans. These crunchy critters are usually to be found hiding under rocks or in the expansive bum cavities of hairy fatties. Crabs and lobsters are excellent for writing swearwords on with marker pen, whereas the humble shrimp has eyes on stalks that are ideal for bending. Prawns is just another name for shrimp, probably. Molluscs. Boring. Coral. Coral is what reefs are made out of and comes in various different forms. Staghorn coral, plate coral, fire coral and fan coral are all easily smashed with the bottom of a booted heel. Boulder coral will die if you touch it, which allows you to trace slogans and love hearts in it with your finger or an obedient crown-of-thorns starfish. Soft coral is easily squeezed and uprooted, but be sure to wear gloves to avoid a nasty reaction to stinging cells.
Other Fish. Everything else in the ocean is another fish of some sort, all of which look exactly the same when battered or breadcrumbed. The only exception are eels which are pretending to be snakes. They have large, prominent teeth, which are easily snapped off using a reel, line and door handle. Parrotfish also have prominent teeth, but these are best smashed using the base of a spare cylinder, which is usually easiest on night dives when they're asleep. And in this way, Rob has made water safe once again for divers. Please endeavour to respect our oceans by depositing only the very finest oil slicks, corpses and human waste into them. Thank you.
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