Issue 8 Horrorscopes from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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22 December 2024

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ISSUE 8 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES Save time making your own decisions using boring old rational thought and instead allow Britain’s least plausible psychiatric case, Ruby del Pyramid- Scheme UFO, BSE of Atlantis to make your mind up for you. Using ancient wisdom derived from a time when the Earth was flat, the weather was governed by evil spirits and a doctor’s bag contained a mallet and hacksaw, Ruby will predict the future for you and one twelfth of the population with similar birthdays to you by looking in a book to see what the night sky looks like and guessing. Brought to you in association with the BNP, London and Midlands Diver Magazine’s official fascist party sponsor, and Specs R Us, for all your short-sighted plans.
	Aquarius Bad news for Aquarians this autumn as you contract an unusual genital disorder from watching Eastenders on TV. The condition is extremely rare as I only made it up last night when I was drunk, and involves all your bits shrivelling up and then disappearing completely, so that you fill up with wee and explode. I can’t be bothered thinking up a cure, so it will kill you. Bad luck. Pisces Bad news for Pisceans this autumn as drugged-up gibbons take up residence in your home and start making unreasonable demands. Quickly growing tired of these intoxicated, impromptu primates, you call the police to have them removed. Sadly, the gibbons persuade the constabulary that it was they who called to have you removed and the cops take you out into the street and whip you to death with your own pants. Bad luck.
	Aries Bad news for Arians this autumn, as a long lost eccentric aunt turns up to stay for a week but shoots you dead within minutes of her arrival because you said something boring to her. Bad luck. Taurus Bad news for Taureans this autumn as it turns out you picked the wrong One True God to believe in and get smited to bits for wiping your bottom incorrectly. Bad luck. Gemini Bad news for Geminis this autumn when you fail to read the small print correctly whilst purchasing a Qantas flight online and men arrive at your home, pin you to the floor, and forcibly insert electrodes into your bottom. Sadly, they fail to take into account the UK’s 240v voltage and you end up dying right bad. Bad luck. Cancer Bad news for Cancerians this autumn when, asked about your neighbour’s new hairdo, you choose to tell a little white lie, and it turns out that your neighbour is a serial killer who views all lies as big and black and evil, no matter how inconsequential, and they can tell you’re lying so they kill you and you die. Bad luck. Leo Bad news for Leons this autumn as you wish for, and receive, X-ray vision but forget to get your eye sockets lined with lead and you get radiation poisoning and die. Bad luck.
	Virgo Bad news for Virgins this autumn as Richard Branson has you hunted down and violated with a wooden stake for infringing his corporate copyright. Sadly, the wooden stake leaves splinters which go septic and you die. Bad luck. Libra Bad news for Librarians this autumn as you come up with the revolutionary and entirely nonsensical idea that the pyramids were built from the top down, and then discover that some sort of new-age maniac has already thought of it. You quickly come to your senses and hang yourself dead before anyone finds out. Bad luck. Scorpio Bad news for Scorpions this autumn when you opt to begin a celebrity endorsed detox programme and give up intoxicants, stimulants and tobaccants, and only eat vegetables. Your body goes into shock from being deprived of three of its major food groups and it turns out that vegetables are poisonous and you die. Bad luck. Sagittarius Bad news for Sagittarials this autumn as you get lost in music; caught in a trap; no going back; and then you die. Bad luck. Capricorn Bad news for Capricornia this autumn as everything goes well for you. So well, in fact, it seems too good to be true and you can’t believe it’s actually happening. Since it is happening, and you don’t believe it, you no longer believe in reality and start believing in horoscopes instead. Then you get attacked by a rabid panther and die. Bad luck.
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