Issue 7 Horrorscopes from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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4 December 2024

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ISSUE 7 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES Break free from those pesky laws of Einsteinian physics by allowing Britain's least-consistent psychic, Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE of Atlantis, to hazard a guess at what the future holds for you and, by implication, the entire human race. This time around, the mysterious and powerful forces of nature, supernature and, who knows, crystals probably, will be brought to bear upon the most important questions of trivial workplace disputes, lottery predictions (different numbers for each sign) and poontang. Brought to you in association with the Wizards, Warlocks & Witches Corporate Pension Scheme and the Richard Dawkins Catholic Foundation for Homeopathic Research.
	Gemini Having taken the Buddhist principle that "what separates the inside of the vessel from the outside of the vessel is merely the vessel" a little too literally, you begin drilling holes into your head in order to allow your consciousness to become one with the universe as a whole. Unfortunately, you have to bring this practice to an end when you lose motor control over your drilling hand and then forget what human beings look like. Worse still, having gained access to it, you discover that the consciousness of the universe as a whole is actually a bit dull, being somewhat preoccupied as it is with the behaviour of particles, and you turn your back on such revelations and return to a life of diving. Sadly, you find diving a good deal less pleasurable than you used to as it now has a tendency to make your brain soggy.
Cancer Fantastic developments await all those born under the sign of the crab: finally your search is at an end. Cancerians are naturally concerned about their role in life and can indeed spend an entire lifetime seeking their true vocation. Well, you need search no longer, Cancer, for all the answers are about to reveal themselves. This summer, your true purpose in life will make itself known in splendid detail and everything will slot into place just as you had always dreamed it would. There'll be no more uncertainty, no more fear that you made the wrong decision, no more anxiety that you're pursuing the wrong path; say hello to destiny, because it's here to meet you, greet you and show you around your new life. This truly is the time when all things fall into place in order to shine their light upon you. Congratulations, Cancer: it all makes sense at last. n.b. The true destiny of the Cancerian is to spend a life of drudgery proofreading corporate brochures / press releases and occasionally grazing your knee. Before long though, you'll be unexpectedly volleyed off this mortal coil by a slightly irritable semi-divine class six being that loses patience with you for being a bit pale and also for spending your summers prancing around inland UK divesites, complaining about the cold, the silt, the weights, the lack of large pelagics and the fact that you need a wee.
Leo Things really seem to be looking up for Leos when you get just the start to the summer that you wanted with a relaxing dive in an area of natural beauty followed by that shag you've been hankering after for ages. Sadly, the euphoria is short-lived as it transpires this is all merely the prelude to a low budget, 80s slasher movie, and you spend the next 79 minutes prancing around naked from the waist up with an attractive yet entirely monosyllabic member of the opposite sex going by the name of Nimrod, before uttering the sort of dialogue that leads directly to an amateurish and unrealistic disembowelling: eg. "Thank God, I think we've avoided an amateurish and unrealistic disembowelling and now we're safe", "Hopefully the psycho won't be on the other side of this curtain, poised to amateurishly and unrealistically disembowel us with a scythe", or "He's definitely dead. I stabbed him eighteen times through the heart with a seven foot fence post, detonated a thermo-nuclear device directly into his face, and individually removed each of his internal organs and sent them via separate couriers to the FBI headquarters in Washington DC where they were eaten by rodents. There's absolutely no way he's going to wake up now and disembowel us in an amateurish and unrealistic fashion." With such a low budget, 80s slasher movie cast, any Leos wishing to avoid an amateurish and unrealistic disembowelling this summer should take immediate steps to become the psycho instead. This has the advantage of providing you with a starring role in several sequels but means that you'll probably need to develop an interest in bowels and express inappropriate sexual arousal at the sight of things like meat.
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