Issue 7 Diving Deepravities from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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4 December 2024

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ISSUE 7 ARCHIVE - DIVING DEEPRAVITIES An evergrowing list of terms to describe all manner of diving-related experiences, incidents and accidents Alex Griffin Diving Leisure London
AVOIDABLE DEATH Any accident caused by an ill advised equipment decision. Approximately 10 years ago hundreds of divers were killed by failing to dive in Buddy Commando BCDs and Apeks regs. These day's divers are more likely to be killed when their kit flies off them as a result of having a pinch clip break in their harness. Fortunately, the selfless work of a handful of armchair divers on internet forums is seeking to prevent these terrible tragedies. BEARD TURBIDITY A phenomenon caused by excessive facial hair growth that impedes the ability to read a deco plan resulting in rapid ascents from depth and breaching to the fin tips as well as the purchase of delayed AIDS. Sometimes also referred to as Isobeardic counterdiffusion. DELAYED AIDS A reel and SMB contraption that, just like unprotected sex, seems like a good idea at the time but may ultimately lead to your untimely death. GREEN SNORKEL An unfortunate state of affairs whereby despite an obvious instructional ability your teaching status is irrevocably revoked by PADI upon the realisation that you are unable to drink much more than a thimble full of beer through your qualifying snorkel. ICE-CREAM WHOLE FUCKING BODY The most extreme version of ice-cream head brought on by immersing yourself in a lake in January for a whole afternoon. PRESSURE GROUP XY A very special pressure group that an individual finds themselves in shortly after marriage. Results in an 18 year surface interval.
THE TRIMIX HANGOVER An almost complete breakdown of all the bodies' functions disproportionate to the amount of alcohol imbibed the night before. Usually suffered by persons celebrating the end of a technical course resulting in terrifying emetic acts and a giant strop at Gatwick. THE TRIMIX SLEEP A period of rest brought on by deep technical diving. Allows you to sleep undisturbed by anything from a partners snoring through screaming Italian school children running amok in your seedy hotel to a full intercontinental ballistic missile strike. THE TROOPS Ominous sounding collective of black clad divers who congregate at inland dive sites. Recognisable by their automaton-like repetition of diving information gleaned from other members of the troops that can be traced back to one obnoxious individual who suffered from small man syndrome in the early 90s. WRAYSBURY GOLDEN SHOWER The act of engaging too rapidly with your all important breakfast sarnie resulting in Arthur's eggy goodness exploding all over your face and chest. WRECKS VS REEFS 1. The habitual scuba argument usually populated on the one side by dynamic adventurous types who listen to Metallica and on the other by blokes in sandals who listen to Snow Patrol (official winners for the 7th year running of 'Most Wretched Band in the World' award). 2. A way of describing a choice between living on the edge or playing it safe. eg. "Don't bother inviting Tony to the latex and ball-gags cocktail party, he's a reefs guy."
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