Issue 6 Horrorscopes from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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22 December 2024

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ISSUE 6 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES Gone are the days when claiming entirely unrelated events to have a cause and effect relationship was deemed an indicator of mental illness. Now you can let Britain's least-hinged psychic, Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE of Atlantis, create entirely new and ad hoc metaphysical laws by predicting future inconsequential events in your life from the gravitational movements of giant celestial bodies and a strange feeling she had in her stomach after lunch last Thursday. Brought to you in association with the Secret Parliamentary Committee for Genetically Modifying Water and scienceisjustatheory.com.
	Aquarius "Divers of the World Unite!" will be the rallying cry of Aquarians in 2009 as you set about raising class-consciousness in your fellow divers in order to eradicate the imperialist might of PADI and thereby all inequality and unhappiness. Unfortunately, enthusiasm for the amateur dive movement is slow to spread and you begin to suspect that the might of the capitalist machinery is such that your fellow diver will never be able to develop an awareness of the injustice being wrought upon them (whereas in reality they don't give a toss and would prefer to just go diving). Sadly for Aquarians, your attempt to compensate for this by launching a prolonged campaign of targeted revolutionary action against the bourgeois PADI State fails miserably when numbers dwindle at your increasingly less underground PADI Imperialist State-Smashing Sub-Aqua Club (PISS SAC) meetings. When your final member quits following disputes over the finer political aspects of the post-PADI diving society and whose round it is, you resolve to destroy the apparatus of oppression alone by sprinting into an estuary and solo-diving. Unfortunately, this plot is foiled when you realise there's no one around to zip up your drysuit.
Pisces In order to celebrate the Earth having completed an exact number of revolutions around the nearest star since the day of their birth, Pisceans will choose to ingest a mind-altering poison derived from fermenting vegetation this year. Unfortunately, having recently destroyed the global banking system by throwing invisible pixies into it, they decide they're on a bit of a run with regard to drunken mayhem and fictional belief systems, and inform the Home Office that all scuba divers are witches. The Home Office, of course, will be reluctant to act on such accusations until Pisceans prove divers can happily survive the Ordeal By Water (18 metres for no longer than 56 minutes). That done, the decree to burn all aquanauts will be inevitable. Retaliation can be expected and a High Priestess of the PADI Occult Diving Society (certification requirement: 4 supernatural dives to a maximum depth of 30m) is likely to cast a spell of a Biblical Dreaded Skin Disease on all Pisceans resulting in dramatic consequences (it will be slightly embarrassing). The Home Office is then forced to consider the nuclear option, but having forgotten where it left the warheads, opts to switch off the food supply to divers instead (ie. bacon sandwich stands are banned within 20 miles of water). The only people immune to the carnage are the scientifically-minded types who don't believe in inexplicable supernatural things like God and astrology and carry on as normal. Sadly, this will be of little comfort to them when they die and don't go to heaven.
Aries Aries is the sign of the ram (or is that Capricorn? Or Sagittarius?). Many people all over the world were born under this sign, taxidermists in Guatemala, for example, possibly even farmers in Africa, and also builders in Clapham who've recently separated from their clairvoyant wives on the grounds that they no longer believe in this "mystical mumbo-jumbo and psychic nonsense" and that they're fed up of being told the dregs of their tea implicate them in yet another "interminable trip to Ikea" on their "one day off this month". The stars have a clear message for Arians (Arians? Really? Like Scandinavians?) this spring, mostly revolving around the need to sever (and decapitate if necessary) the ties that a new romantic partner has upon you. They also indicate that upon your grovelling return to your estranged wife, the purchase of a new Ikea bedroom suite would be an excellent start in making amends.
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