ISSUE 6 ARCHIVE - DIVING DEEPRAVITIES
An evergrowing list of terms to describe all manner of diving-related experiences, incidents and accidents
Alex Griffin
Diving Leisure London
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£99 REFERRAL COURSE
Descriptive of something containing
large amounts of hidden extras: 'The
missus and I went on an all inclusive
deal to some place in Pathos. After
they'd added on drinks mixers and
sun lounger rental that turned out to
be a real £99 referral I can tell you.'
BROWN FINGERED BUDDY CHECK
Asking your buddy, and with malice
aforethought, to zip you up after
suffering a neoprene gusset slide.
CHUMMING THE WATER
1. Baiting the water with fish guts in
an attempt to attract sharks. 2. Baiting
the water with the contents of your guts
in an attempt to repel anyone from the
vicinity of your room on the boat.
COLLIER, TO DO A
A combination of events caused by
a Scottish Ear Examination that leads
to an early holiday departure and a
rectal examination in Dubai caused by
your torch being mistaken for a bomb.
CONSUMED BOTTOM TIME
1. A graphical display of your no
decompression limit on a dive computer.
2. A popular post dive activity on
a liveaboard..
DIVING WITCH DOCTOR
Clueless physician's reaction upon
being presented with classic symptoms
of decompression sickness ranging
from tennis elbow, high blood pressure
and the classic: 'It can't be the bends,
you haven't been to 50m'. Remember;
always call your friendly local chamber
wherever you are! (Does this get me
my free ad?)
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GETTING A DIVE GUIDE TO DO A NIGHT DIVE
A task of herculean difficulty: 'I pulled
one of those 'no hanky-panky before
marriage' types last month and trying
to get her knickers off was like getting
a dive guide to do a night dive.'
LUMPSUCKER
Any fish with an unfortunate name, see
also chubsucker, mudsucker, carpsucker,
sharksucker, convict blenny and the
lesser known fuckfaced moron fish.
NEOPRENE GUSSET SLIDE
The awkward but vaguely pleasurable
sensation of easing the long tab you use
to zip up your wetsuit out from between
the cleft of your buttocks after trapping
it there during the donning process.
SCOTTISH EAR EXAMINATION
A very specific accident that involves
a Scottish man landing directly on your
head in the melee to enter the water
upon sighting a whaleshark resulting in
a perforated eardrum. Usually happens
on day 2 or 3 of an expensive liveaboard.
SMB CLUSTERFUCK
The hilarious site of an assortment of
reels, tangled lines, unclipped SMBs
and one unfortunate diver heading
rapidly for the surface.
STUDENT TIGHT
The exact opposite of hand tight with
respect to DIN connections. Requires
a rubber mallet and a can of WD40
to free.
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