Issue 3 Horrorscopes from the Archives of the London Diver Magazine

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30 December 2024

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ISSUE 3 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES Your horrorscopic gateway to the New-Age of spiritualism, holistic wellbeing and pre-Enlightenment homeopathic lifestyle goodness, focusing on lottery numbers, petty arguments at work and your chances of a shag down at the Nag's Head. Divined from the celestial majesty of the cosmos and a paranormal encounter with the remnants of a bag of crisps, by Britain's most litigious psychic, Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis. Brought to you in association with Deadly Nightshade, "Guaranteed by the Witches Association of North Kensington to cure all known types of werewolvery", and Trident missiles "New-clear solutions for a New-clear Age".
	Aquarius Aquarians will find that a temperature drop during the winter months might make them feel like putting on extra clothes when outdoors. You also might consider the use of central heating systems and the like at home. Be warned: there will be hungry times ahead, with pangs regularly being felt shortly after waking and not long after midday, which the ancient druids used to refer to as the mysterious "lunchtime". Further cravings will be felt in the early evening, giving you little choice other than to eat food. Yum yum! There is bad news though, Aquarius: I'm afraid none of this will come cheap. In order to subsidise your desire to fill that stomach and meet those warmth requirements, you may find yourself forced to leave your home and perform tasks at the behest of others for financial remuneration. Some people call it "work" and it's just the job for those cash issues! With all this hectic activity going on, you'll probably be wondering if there'll be any breaks at all. Fear not Aquarius there's always time for a rest! In fact, many of you will find in the weeks ahead that the best times to get things done are during the frequent periods of light that permeate the outside world. Some of you are also likely to notice that these periods are punctuated by episodes of darkness that tend to coincide with a general reduction in activity. I can confidently predict what the Aquarian will use those times for! That's right, you'll probably lie down somewhere soft and comfortable, relax and before you know it, it'll be morning again. What happened there Aquarius? Don't worry, it's called sleep, and you'll be an expert before you know it! Be careful on Tuesdays though, because that's when you're going to die.
Pisces This winter, specifically February 27th, will be a time for change for Pisces when you actually turn into a fish. The good news is that being a diver, you're more than comfortable underwater. The bad news is that by fish, I mean fish finger. Those of you able to survive species transformation followed by being mashed into tiny pieces and inadequately frozen for a decade or so, will find your fortunes changing on March 15th. By changing, I mean different but just as bad, as this is when you will regret paying so little attention during history classes and be set upon by passing Ides (small furry beasts with very sharp teeth and the disposition of pissed-up, recently jilted triggerfish, which travel in packs). The only way to avert disaster is to return all executive power to the Senate, thereby restoring the original Roman republic. You might find this a tad tricky though as the Roman Empire ended over 1,500 years ago.
Aries Pluto is ascendant in your sign during the early months of 2008 which would have ensured unparalleled financial, professional and sexual success for all Arians had the object in question not been declassified as a proper planet in 2006. Instead, as a dwarf-planet, it portends an attack of scabies and an enquiry surrounding an alleged misappropriation of funds following the merger of your work's petty cash and your personal lager fund. Fortunately, your faith in superstition is easily strong enough to withstand this ironic lack of foresight and imagination, and indeed it barely even wavers when a delegation of the Spanish Inquisition arrive at your house on February 8th. Unconvincingly dressed in sombreros and Real Madrid shirts, your suspicions are finally aroused when you realise the sole line of inquiry appears to be "dos beeros por favor" and one of them urinates on your sofa. Suspecting a coach-load of football fans who've taken a seriously wrong turning, you only realise your error as you try to expel them from your home and they set fire to your dog for being a witch. You spend the next 17 months having parts of your body dipped into boiling lead until you finally denounce your mother for wearing a bra and declare your Phillips "moving picture box" to be the work of Satan. Which it is, you bastard. Luckily, after this ordeal comes the new moon, so you can expect a change of fortunes when a work colleague praises your taste regarding a recent purchase of curtain rails.
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