Issue 3 Diving Deepravities from the Archives of the London Diver Magazine

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21 December 2024

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ISSUE 3 ARCHIVE - DIVING DEEPRAVITIES An evergrowing list of terms to describe all manner of diving-related experiences, incidents and accidents Alex Griffin Diving Leisure London
ARMCHAIR DIVER A recent development since the advent of forums, characterised by an individual who rabidly answers equipment questions by eulogising his own setup, apparently unaware that having not dived in anything else leaves him unable to offer any kind of objective opinion. Despite what they would have you believe, this is actually where DIR was born not as part of the 'Wacky Races Cave Project' or whatever it was. BIOLOGICAL O RING The diver's balloon knot. BIOPRENE Biological neoprene accumulated via 'pie abuse' resulting in the wearer being too hot to wear a shorty in 'Wraysbury Lagoon'. BROWN HAWK DOWN An unpleasant dive where a combination of depth, dark and narcosis conspire to cause an involuntary slackening of the 'biological O ring' resulting in a much darker interpretation of 'Linger Boots'. Named after the Black Hawk wreck, out of Weymouth. DECO REST STOP The disheartening result of 45 plus minutes of deco, a drysuit, no pee valve or nappy and an urge that cannot be ignored.
EXPLOSIVE DECOMPRESSION 1. A malfunction in a recompression chamber with messy consequences. Just like that bit in the James Bond film. 2. A violent and tortuous visit to an Egyptian toilet after having had ice cubes in your G&T the night prior. FECSUIT A rented wetsuit redolent with the scent of ammonia, compressed to about 1mm of thickness with perhaps a few errant pubes lodged in the seams of the crotch area. FEEDING THE FISH Vomitus through the regulator resulting in a shoal of eager, grateful fish. Disgusting. FIDDLER'S BROWN FISH A rare species usually sighted when diving from liveaboards from the budget end of the scale. Fiddler's brown fish are usually found in the water shortly after flushing and are often accompanied by the 'Andrex Paper Fish'. GREAT OCEANS OF FANNY BATTER The collective female reaction to the appearance of hunky, diving pin-up Monty Halls which results in all the ladies aquaplaning off their chairs. LINGER BOOTS A pee valve 'wardrobe malfunction' that results in the wearer filling his drysuit with piss: "OK everyone let's get into position, we've been tracking the whales for 2 weeks now and we think we're finally in the position to actually record a live birth…. What's that? Great it looks like we're going to lose the shot because Marven's fucked up his catheter and given himself linger boots. Prat." Not to be confused with a 'deco rest stop'. PIE ABUSE An activity heavily associated with UK diving, grim burger vans, shaved heads and faded, orange buddy commando BCDs.
SKIN (FLINT) DIVER The peculiarly British obsession with bargain hunting best summed up by spending an extra £20 on petrol so that you can save 50p on an airfill. STONEY MONKEY A chromosomally challenged chav in a neon jacket who wordlessly takes your money at the dive site entrance before pointing you to the back of the last fucking car park. UK DIVE BRIEFING 1.A string of expletives usually muttered through a roll up, facing away into the wind just before you are ceremonially ejected from the side of the rib into unfamiliar waters. 2. An inadequate and poor set of instructions: "Christ the instructions for this Ikea kitchen cabinet are worse than a UK dive briefing!" WRAYSBURY LAGOON A hilarious ironic description of any inland site. See also Wraysbury Bay, Wraysbury reef and, perhaps more unkindly, Poo Lake.
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