ISSUE 24 ARCHIVE - CELEBRITY DIVERS

Alex Griffin

I've been informed that there is a drive to increase the circulation of 'Tanked Up' magazine to appease the new slave-driver in charge of marketing (not true, now back to work!- ed) so I've decided to take a leaf out of the gossip rags and bring a touch of celebrity glamour to this issue. The thinking goes that nothing is even remotely interesting unless someone who was once in Eastenders is somehow involved. With that in mind here's a pointless and entirely fabricated list of the top 5 celebrity divers:

NIALL HORAN

Nerfherder, Niles, Niall or whatever his name is from One Direction has been scuba diving ever since he first watched Finding Nemo. The film has caused him to develop a powerful erotic attraction to clownfish and he seeks them out on every single dive. Niall would never actually sexually assault a clownfish but instead he regularly gets groupies to wear a clown fish hood that he has purchased in all sizes from Scapa Scuba. Niall also insists on the fish being incorrectly identified as nemo fish and has been known to explode into a violent rage if anyone refers to them as clownfish. Rumours abound of an aide who was very badly beaten and then paid not to press charges. As a calming measure Niall uses tipex and a fine point marker to erase the word 'clown' in fish books that he buys in bulk and replace it with 'nemo' in the same style of font as the book.

NICOLE SCHERZINGER

Singing plastic gonk and professional fake person Nicole Scherzinger is also an avid scuba diver and her self-edited Wikipedia page refers to her as an experienced Master Scuba Diver Trainer. In actual fact Nicole has done one Discover Scuba Dive when she was filming a yoghurt advert in Greece. During the 6 min dive, Nicole was so scared of the water that she pretended she couldn't equalise so the instructor would abort the dive. Her heavily soiled wetsuit is currently listed on eBay.

BORIS JOHNSON

When not disguising a psychopathic ability to spout self-serving lies behind a mask of affable buffoonery, Boris is a keen amateur frogman who recently decided to start his own diving training agency. As part of his marketing campaign, Boris has driven a big red bus around dive sites promising to give 350 million free certifications to any instructor and dive centre who joins his new agency. This is in spite of the fact that Boris isn't an instructor, hasn't written a single course, doesn't know who the RSTC is, hasn't got insurance, has no business plan and his only partner in this enterprise is a frog eyed racist who is deeply confused over who the bad guys were in the 2nd World War.

JEREMY CLARKSON

Hateful ex BBC presenter and professional bigot Jeremy Clarkson is a well-known scuba diver. Over the course of his diving career Jeremy has got into a few scrapes! Here are a few of his antics: During a trip to Raja Ampat Jeremy was so over-weighted he smashed 4 fan corals, chipped off a giant chunk of staghorn coral, sat on 100 year old brain coral and didn't give a shit. Jeremy secretly erased the red sea dive site map that the guide had spent 20 mins drawing and replaced it with anti-islamic slogans. Jeremy once supplied dynamite and cyanide to the local fishermen and then openly laughed at the devastation. Jeremy has bought and eaten shark fin soup whilst saying that he didn't know why everyone was getting their 'knickers in a twist'. Ha ha ha! Keep it up Jeremy!

BLAZIN SQUAD

Although Blazin' Squad may have come across as a confused ASBO with Chicken Cottage crumbs down its hoodie the collective members had a plan for the future. Realising that the appeal of watching the teenage victims of knife crime rap badly would be short lived, the Squad made plans to give themselves a second career as dive professionals. Knowing they would be unable to start their Divemaster courses until they were 18, the Squad set about doing all their entry level courses and putting together plans to open Blazin' Squad's Dive Centre (tagline: 'Go Divin' with Blazin' Squad'). Upon turning 18 the Squad began their DM course. Sadly their venture was to fail: By dropping out of school early to pursue a career in the sounds of the UK garage they were unable to get to grips with the mathematical requirements of the physics section of the dive theory and now several years down the line, between them, they have taken the dive theory exams parts A and B over 168 times without success.

Tune in next time where we'll be interviewing June Brown on her preference for nappies over a she-wee when drysuit diving.