ISSUE 21 ARCHIVE - ARE YOU AN ECONOMICAL DIVER?

Quizmaster

The Germans and Conservatives say we need it. The Greeks and Labour say we don’t.

But it’s your pound in the pocket, not theirs.

Tighten the weight belt, or let it all out on a store card?

How rich do you really feel?

Are you an "Economical Diver"?

Q1) Easyjet have flights out to Sharm. Wow, only £80 return. But your partner is not a diver and wants a 4 star hotel, 5 star dining and an evening trip to the desert to see the stars. You can get a week in for under 200 quid on your own. What’s the plan?

(a) C’mon – you can get the whole trip in for under a grand. A bit of sunshine will do her good and its sodding cold back here. The diving will be amazing and her time by the pool reading 50 Shades will embiggen your marriage. Go for it.

(b) 800 quid for her extra! That’s the Thistelgorm. Twice. Plus enough to drink your bodyweight in Saqqara every night. Get her a week in Center Parks with your Mum for a fiver off LastMinute.com

Q2) You had to chew your BCD from some fishing line on a deep wreck in Grenada. You had no dive knife. Time to get one.

(a) Seal Team 6 have endorsed a Titanium/Kevlar short handled line cutter they use against deep water Somalian piracy. It’s perfect - but 300 bucks. Could save your life though so sold!

(b) LIDL have bread knifes on the offer for 2 quid. That’ll do.

Q3) Your buddy has opened a dive shop in your ‘hood’. He’s bought in a load of stock including the wetsuit you need. He needs to sell some of it to make the first month’s rent. Let’s help him out...

(a) Nice suit, a bit overpriced, buy hey he’s starting out on his dream and I can afford it.

(b) Try it on. It fits perfectly. But let’s check the web to see if I can get it for a tenner cheaper. Yes! Off to the Amazon.

Q4) It’s dry-suit course time in Portland, gotta give these British seas a go after all that turquoise tropical diving, but I need a dry-suit for this. Let’s check out the costs.

(a) Sweet. The perfect fitting neoprene body armour versus the 2 degree seas. A once in a lifetime investment that I can give my son along with my first dinner jacket as he matures into me.

(b) OMG!!! Over fifty quid! I’ll use a 5mm shortie with some goose grease and Ralgex spray. That’ll keep me warm before the Paramedic’s space blanket and hot I.V. infusion on the way to casualty.

Q5) Its 50 quid a kilo for extra weight on your flight to Egypt. You have brought ALL your dive equipment and are now checking in with your wife, a non-diver.

(a) Fair do’s, you knew the rules from the small print you read on the loo. It’s gonna be a hit, but at least you know your kit is serviced and safe. Pay up.

(b) Empty her hold luggage bag. Your tank can go in there with your fins. Her hand luggage is too full of chick-lit and rubbish magazines. Now it contains your reg set and spare masks. Your walk-on wheely has the collected works of Jacques Cousteau and a large picture of Monty Halls for inspiration. She can always read the inflight mag and safety instruction laminate during the 4 hour delay.

Q6) Ice-diving in Archangel for fun this Winter? Yes – me too. Slight problem with keeping the Entry/Exit hole open though. Lucky our local guide Vladimir has 2 options.

(a) For 50 roubles he has a bunch of Cossacks who do this special dance involving heated boots and Bunsen burners that circle around your hole keeping the edge temperature above 40 degrees ensuring your safe egress.

(b) For 5 roubles he has a flatulent fisherman with a lighter, a can of Brut deodorant spray, but the attention span of a goldfish. Maybe that’ll work. If all else fails you still have a LIDL breadknife and enough air to wait for a thaw.

Q7) It’s the Dive Show. A free prize draw has won you an all expenses paid dive trip to the Maldives. Awesome. Flights, hotel and as much diving as you want. They can’t cover the 10 quid visa entry though- as it has to be paid on arrival- but that’s your only cost.

(a) Let’s call Oonas to see if they can let my mate go instead of me. He’s had a rough time lately and a week away will do him good. I’ll drop a bit of cash in an envelope for when he gets there to cover the visa and a few beers to cheer him up.

(b) A tenner! It said everything was free on the entry form. Sod that. I can get a train to Swanage for a fiver and shore dive for nothing. Have to walk home though.

Q8) It’s your buddy’s birthday. Yes, he’s saved your life three times over the years and he’s always loved the new Suunto D9. But so do you.

(a) Buy it. Give it to him.

(b) Buy it. Rent it to him.

How did you do?

Mostly As

Louis Vuitton Dive-bag. The first up to the bar after a liveaboard and the last out of Pasha after settling the bill. Let me get this taxi to the airport. You will be remembered as a hero.

Mostly Bs

Stinge-bag. Your children will blow away your money on legal highs after racking up a record Uni debt. The only flowers on your grave will be accidentally placed by the myopic widow of the dead man next door to you.