ISSUE 2 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES
Your New-Age holistic homeopathic
aromatherapeutic horrorscope by
award-winning mystic, Ruby del
Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis.
Brought to you in association with
nuclear fission.
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Scorpio
Autumn will be an exciting time
for Scorpions, as due to successful
government information campaigns,
64% of the British population discover
the crunchy critters are classed
as arachnids and not insects. Less
successful though is the Scorpio in love,
not so much because of the sting in
your tail but because of the foul smell
emanating from your teeth and your
misanthropic views regarding racial
genocide. Try to avoid all diving activities
during the week November 19 – 25
when the newly installed military junta
will decree the breathing of compressed
air a capital offence for anyone born
between October 22nd and November
21st. Don't dive the following week either
as spider-hating sharks will have it in for
you due to confusion over the definition
of arachnid.
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Sagittarius
Stay indoors on the afternoon of
October 6th when due to weight
concerns you stop obeying the laws
of Newtonian physics and fall off the
Earth. Further weight concerns make
it advisable for you to avoid diving on
December 14th and 15th, when your
legs turn to solid lead. Tuesdays are
the best time for any aquatic plans
you might have as you will develop
gills. Unfortunately, the gills will be on
your inner thighs so you'll have to
dive naked and, well, let's just leave
it there. Financially though, this is the
season for you as you will win the
National Lottery jackpot on November
10th. Unfortunately, as approximately
one twelfth of the population are
Sagittarians, you will only win £1.29.
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Capricorn
Due to an anomaly in the spacetime
continuum, Capricorns will find
themselves spending November 22nd
in a Texas book-depository in 1963.
Fortunately, the process will alter your
atomic structure and you will evade
suspicion from law enforcement
agencies as you now resemble a
delicious savoury snack. This will leave a
hapless Lee Harvey Oswald alone to cry
history's most famous dyslexic last words
of "I'm a patsy!". Diving, on the other
hand, will be a big no-no as questions
are asked regarding your insolubility.
After sleeping with the window open
on December 12th, Capricorns will
awake with a stiff neck and no memory
of the concept of Jesus or Christianity.
Obviously, this will dramatically transform
the way you spend your Christmas
period as you will have to watch Bond
films with your head at a jaunty angle.
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