ISSUE 17 ARCHIVE - REASONS FOR FAILING THE DIVE EXAM

Rob Hunt

It was a bit wordy.

I forgot what letters mean.

Tensions in the Middle East.

The instructor looked on the verge of thinking about touching my bottom.

Pissed.

I was preoccupied with trying to remember who that bloke in that thing was.

I thought I was in a sitcom.

Am I not flesh and blood?

All things shall come to pass.

I am not a performing monkey.

I am a performing monkey but I don’t perform well in exams.

Fortune favours the stupid.

I have certain contractual obligations.

I refuse to believe I’m supposed to let air out when I go up.

The pen would not obey my will.

You told me I should do what is right. In this case I believed it right to put “The Toxic Avenger” for every answer.

I was being sarcastic.

I was told there would be crisps.

I want you to hit me.

Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong in this world?

I was waiting for the “hero overcomes all obstacles” music at the end of the film. It didn’t start.

I had to downsize my achievement expectations.

There are no failures, only learning experiences. Some of which are failures.

I refer you to this diagram of me flicking you in the ear.

There was no cash incentive.

I was thinking about you naked.

Winning is tedious.

History will be my judge.

The whole thing’s racist against people that don’t know the answers.

I wrote a haiku, instead but then I ate it, because it was crap.

I lost my mind in San Antonio.

I repent.

I had to return some videotapes.

I disagreed with several of the questions on moral grounds.

I was being attacked by invisible bees. They’re the worst kind.

Jam on my eyeballs.

I believe it to be 1933 and this predates the aqua-lung by at least eight years. Although I don’t know that.

Sometimes you hit the dive exam and sometimes the dive exam hits you. Also, I fell asleep.

Water got in my head and made me forget.

If I passed I would have to dive with you.

It was insulting; the words weren’t long enough.

I just love cheating. Unfortunately, I cheated with the wrong answers.

I’m sorry, I was thinking about cats again.

Imagine a world, a happy world. A world without exams, trials and tests.

Quick! Run!

I move in mysterious ways.

Turn around, Bright Eyes, every now and then I fall apart.

They can’t let everyone pass. I took one for the team.

No speako gringo.

I loathe bubbles.