ISSUE 16 ARCHIVE - THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT WHEN YOU’RE UNDERWATER

Rob Hunt

The youth of today.

Killer rabbits.

Where was TJ Hooker set?

The fate of the Earth in five billion years’ time when the Sun becomes a red giant.

Why your teacher marked “9 x 9 = 81” as wrong when you were eight.

Telepathy.

Hidden influences.

Quantitative easing.

Whether you’re not gay.

Cable cars.

The end of Inception.

The end of Total Recall.

What would happen if you suddenly shit yourself.

The lack of an antonym for “evil”.

Members of your family that are plotting to kill you.

Crisp shortages in the event of global thermonuclear war.

Adam Ant.

Where you parked the car.

Itches.

What is dark matter?

The plight of the white rhino.

The plight of Tibet.

The plight of Jedward.

Spiders.

Wave-particle duality in quantum mechanics.

The scam you’ve got running.

Oil prices in Venezuela.

The Russian linesman’s goal in the 1966 World Cup Final.

Dark chocolate vs even darker chocolate.

Measles outbreaks in North London.

Are you drinking too much?

Does the line “Who would have thought, it figures?” make all those things in that song ironic or is the only ironic thing about the song the fact that none of the ironic things in it are ironic, in which case was Alanis Morissette purposefully being über-ironic or is she just a silly billy?

Rabid bats.

How is it that I’ve only just found out our bodies use their own weight in ATP every day?

John Lydon and those adverts.

Whether your other half is capable of changing a lightbulb or not.

Furnishings.

Gay marriage.

The dialectical tension between idealism and pragmatism.

Your inability to form a phone plan plan.

Einstein’s last, uncomprehended words.

The tap that keeps dripping.

Relatives that insist on buying you presents from Next.

Aneurisms.

Whether you’re one of those people that runs a finger under their nose before they relate an anecdote.

The person from Porlock.

Underprivileged puppies.

Being predated upon by a serial killer.

The concept of nothing.

The unlikelihood that you’ll ever get to punch Cristiano Ronaldo in the face.