ISSUE 15 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES

Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme, UFO, BSE of Atlantis

Things that are definitely going to happen to you.

Aries

Things look grim for Aryans this quarter. Government cutbacks in pleasurable activities hit the Scuba industry hard, and anyone owning a BCD is forced to have their kneecaps personally smashed by someone that went to Eton. Anyone that knows someone who owns a BCD and fails to report them to the authorities will be publicly denounced as a Liberal Democrat voter. Facing such dramatic austerity measures in your pursuit of pleasure, it seems fortunate that you still have your grandfather’s old service revolver with that one special bullet in the chamber.

Taurus

Things look grim for Taurants this quarter. Shares in the luminiferous aether plummet due to persistent market rumours that it doesn’t exist, and stocks in 1939 Poland continue to trade poorly following a hostile takeover. Looks like it might be time to cut your losses, particularly as you can learn how to tie a noose quite easily on the internet.

Gemini

Things look grim for Germs this quarter. Wade Stormage of Westhampton Scuba Fundamentalists publicly declares that he’ll out-Scuba you at this year’s Transglobal Scuba Championships to such an extent that you will look like a silly billy. Your outrage is exceeded only by your determination to prove him wrong and you spend months trapped in a training montage with Bon Jovi soundtrack. Despite the odds being against you, or perhaps because of this, you lose anyway and leap off a cliff.

Cancer

Things look grim for Cankles this quarter. You take it upon yourself to assess the grammatical and spellational health of the nation by examining an online Scuba forum and are driven to thrust an axe into your own forehead.

Leo

Things look grim for Leonards this quarter. For some time you’ve been working within the PADI network as a BSAC spy, but when exposed and pressured by PADI to act as a double agent, you realise you can’t remember which was which and begin to embarrass yourself by accidentally mixing up online forums when making your derogatory remarks. To restore your dignity, you do a chicken run on the motorway, naked save for a blindfold.

Virgo

Things look grim for Virgents this quarter. Austerity measures in the Virgin ghetto are even more severe than in the Aryan sector. A total ban on all liquids means there’s no diving for you. Or living.

Libra

Things look grim for Librarians this quarter. Your unhinged obsession with justice leads you to become judge, jury and, in particular, executioner in the world of petty crime that surrounds you. All goes well until someone points out that your actions are illegal and you turn on yourself. By gnawing on electrical cable.

Scorpio

Things look grim for Scorpiods this quarter. Faced with increasing resistance to your idea of a naked-from-the-waist-down dress code at the local dive shop, you decide to lead by example on a busy Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately, no one notices. Ingesting a huge dose of strychnine is the only recourse available to you.

Sagittarius

Things look grim for Sagits this quarter. You attempt to show solidarity with the plight of elasmobranchs by breaking into the shark enclosure at London Zoo and chaining yourself to a piece of reef or something. Sadly, it quickly transpires that there is no shark enclosure at London Zoo and you realise you’re in with the gibbons and baboons, who appear to be mocking you. The tiger enclosure is nearby. They look a bit hungry. Go on.

Capricorn

Things look grim for Capricians this quarter. Having taken it upon yourself to research your family tree, you accidentally trace your origins back to a primordial life form that resembles a piece of goo and is the common ancestor of all life on Earth. Even spiders. Hot bath and razor blade time for you.

Aquarius

Things look grim for Aquants this quarter. You decide that your time in the dive industry is done. You’ve proven everything you needed to, made your fortune, and if you stay involved it’ll only be a matter of time before the heat comes down and so you want out. Unfortunately, you don’t just quit the dive industry. Don Course Director will see to that. There’s only one way out and it involves a couple of bottles of pills and cheap vodka.

Pisces

Things look grim for Piscwads this quarter. No real reason. Drowning was the way to go in Victorian times. They liked it. Thought it was quite nice.