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ISSUE 13 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES
Capricorn
Summer is always a wonderful time for
Capricornia with daisies and unicorns and
frolicking and trifle and general gaiety.
Unfortunately, the Capricious living in
the southern hemisphere will actually be
heading into winter and so the stars predict
a much more stressful time for them as they
become hellbent on travelling north of the
equator and wiping out anybody with the
same star sign as them in as violent and
efficient way as possible. Gosh, what fun!
Just like Arnie.
Aquarius
Aquastrians love diving because they're all
about water. Water, water, water. They love
it; it's the law. Natural law, homeopathic
law, aromatherapeutic and Sharia law.
Unfortunately, due to Health & Safety gone
mad, Aquads will be denied access by
Eurocrats to all liquids throughout the rest
of 2011, so diving will be off the cards. And
so will drinking anything. What a dry little
time you'll have, Aquarius. Gosh, what fun!
Bit of an uncomfortable death at the end of
it all, though.
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Pisces
Piscetarians generally take to diving like fish
to water; and that's because they were born
under the sign of the fish. Complicated, I
know, but don't worry; I'm a professional
astrologian. Unfortunately, this summer it
will be become clear that some Piscwads
are subverting their genetic heritage by not
actually being very good at scuba diving.
Soon everyone will be watching everyone,
looking for the slightest sign of a buoyancy
error or configuration gaffe. Gosh, what
fun! It will be just like a witch-hunt. With folk
being burned at stakes and everything.
Aries
Summer time is das fun time for all Arians,
with larks, hi-jinks and rampages to be
had by all. The target of this season's
pogrom will be the Tauruscans whom, it is
rumoured, prefer diving in warm water to
cold and are shit at fin-pivots. Gosh, what fun!
Unfortunately, in the event that the season
doesn't last a thousand years, there's always a
chance that future generations will frown upon
this sort of behaviour and have you tried and
hung. Inconvenient!
Taurus
With their spindly limbs and enormous
heads, Taurants are like fish out of water
when they're in water and this paradox leads
to a collapse of the space-time continuum
and threatens to destroy the entire universe.
Unfortunately Taureos will survive this and
awake to find themselves in a universe with no
laws of physics. Confusing! With no possible
scientific framework, what better time to break
out the astrology books? Gosh, what fun!
Gemini
Geminems are like the fluffiest bunnies in the
world during summertime, gambolling happily
amongst the pastures, eating grass and
fornicating. Gosh, what fun! Unfortunately,
this season it's myxomatosis time, and any
Gembolayas surviving the plague will be taken
out by farmers with shotguns.
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Cancer
Bees (repeatedly attacked by).
Leo
Famous for their domestic abuse and
crimes against humanity, Leopolds will find
themselves softening up this summer as a
new love enters their lives. Gosh, what fun!
Unfortunately, your new love is a poisonous,
sinister sort that will use this newfound
softness to bully you first into despair, and
then into axe-wielding homicidal activity. All in
the space of an hour and a half which, frankly,
begs questions about your mental state in the
first place. Nutter.
Virgo
Douglas Freeman of 65 Station Road is going
to die on July 28th.
Libra
Cold is Kryptonite to Librarians: it doesn't
really do much. After all, Librats aren't
Superman. In any case good news is that
the ice age is over for another year so it's
the perfect time for Libroids to get back in
the water or finally do that entry-level diving
course. Gosh, what fun! Unfortunately, due
to government cutbacks with regard to
cadavers, any body of water that you enter
will be flash-frozen using, er, technology and
you will be dismantled by medical students
who remain unaware that vestiges of your
consciousness still remain, as they slap their
cohorts in the face with bits of you for larks.
Scorpio
The Scorpulent don't believe in astrologity
but fortunately astrologity believes in the
Scorpulent. As Scorpuscles try to pretend
the movements of objects light years
away have no effect on their daily lives this
summer, those very same massive balls of
thermonuclear plasma have their revenge
by making their boss a bit angry at work
or failing to win the lottery for them. Gosh,
what bastards!
Sagittarius
The summer of love is here for Sagits as
you wander about the local dive club in your
pants, eating chocolate and drinking beer.
Gosh, what fun! Unfortunately, glorious
summer is made winter of discontent by
Alan, the pencil pusher with the beady eyes,
who's found some 'regulation' in some
'book' somewhere that prohibits diving after
the imbibement of over 47 units of alcohol.
Kill him. Kill Alan.
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