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ISSUE 12 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES
Capricorn
As Venus and Saturn connect, you know
your heart well and could win or win back the
right dive buddy. Dive briefings get results
because every word is sincere. Your blend
of unusual diving practices and a meticulous
attention to detail will impress at work or in a
job search. Luck and new love are linked to
someone that has a letter of the alphabet in
their name.
Aquarius
As Jupiter and Pluto connect, you know your
bile duct well and could win or win back the
right dive computer. Underwater navigation
exercises get results because every turn
is left. Your blend of psychotic personality
disorders and bewildering array of semiautomatic
weapons will impress at work or
in a running gun battle. Luck and new love
are linked to stalking a celebrity.
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Pisces
As the Moon and a cosmic ray connect, you
know your trampolines well and could win
or win back the Nobel Prize for trampolinery.
Helium inhalation gets results because every
word is squeaky. Your blend of death metal
and panpipes will impress at a deaf institute or
in an animal sanctuary. Luck and new love are
linked to knowing the names of all the Smurfs.
Aries
As the Milky Way and Andromeda collide,
you know your London street values well
and could win or win back £200 in a game
of Monopoly. Badger-baiting gets results
because every badger is baitable. Your
blend of tomato sauce and trifle will induce
vomiting at work or in a job centre. Luck and
new love are linked to a scrofulous rodent.
Taurus
You are a brilliant fin pivoter, knowing when
to go up and when to er, when not to go
up. Single? The whisper of neoprene is
growing stronger. Already involved? Venus
makes love feel like stroking a stonefish and
important questions should be replied to
within 20 working days. Luck connects you
to a business known by its name.
Gemini
You are a brilliant airline employee,
knowing when to be surly and unhelpful
and when to stab a blunt knife into your
own throat. Single? The whisper of insanity
is growing stronger. Already involved?
Venus makes love feel like an 80s rock
anthem and important questions should
be easier to ignore by singing loudly using
your fist as a microphone. Luck connects
you to an electrode.
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Cancer
You are a brilliant aardvark, knowing when to
eat ants and when to vark aards. Single? The
shout of your mother to come in for your tea
is growing stronger. Already involved? Gliese
581c makes love feel like yeti's beard and
important questions should be addressed to
someone less irresponsible. Luck connects
you to all of the winning lottery numbers but
they come unstuck in the bath.
Leo
You are a brilliant human resources
consultant, knowing when to breathe in and
when to breathe out. Single? The size of the
world's internet porn collection is growing
exponentially. Already involved? Twiglets
give love the texture of sticks and important
questions should be asked in a comedy
falsetto. Luck connects you to velcro.
Virgo
Your cash chart is full of surprises but the
underlying security of a large, gaseous
planet an enormous distance away ensures
you handle it well. Mercury gives a mix
of radiation poisoning and diarrhoea that
could open many work doors. Love is cosy
and committed but with a spark of a taser
resulting in excruciating pain if you get too
close. Single? A man without teeth is
The One.
Libra
Your cash chart is full of zeroes but the
underlying threat of a large, violent gangster
ensures you overcome any disinclination
to resort to crime. Mercury gives a mix of
gin and brandy that could see you kicking
down many work doors. Love is upsetting
and needy but with a spark of boredom that
leads to long-term emotional trauma. Single?
Your boss's long-term partner is The One.
Scorpio
Your regulator mouthpiece is full of spiders
but the underlying anaphylactic respiratory
paralysis ensures you handle it, well, quietly.
Mercury gives a mix of keys and knocking
that could open many work doors. Love is
depressing and depraved but with a spark
of infidelity resulting in disease. Single?
Paris Hilton is The One. Run to her.
Sagittarius
Your cash chart is full of dive-related frippery
but the underlying security of Satan ensures
your enemies will be smitten. Mercury is a
small planet near the sun that has little to do
with doors, work-related or otherwise. Love
will tear us apart again. Single? Believing in
horoscopes and homeopathy won't help.
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