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ISSUE 11 ARCHIVE - HAIKU HORRORSCOPES

Following the actually frightening success of last issue's Chinese Horrorscopes, Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE of Atlantis is continuing the Oriental theme in a slightly offensive way by delivering her Haiku Horrorscopes to astrology fans and the generally credulous everywhere. Ruby likens haikus to the bongos insofar as "everyone thinks it's an art form they're master of, particularly when drunk, but usually they're just causing pain to anyone within appendage-on-side-of-head-shot". Asked what made her think she didn't fall into this latter category, Ruby claimed she was unavailable for comment and sat in brooding silence for twenty minutes before leaving the room.

Brought to you in association with carbon dioxide: "Official greenhouse gas of Tanked Up Magazine"; and ears: "The perfect appendage on the side of any head".
London and Midlands Diving Chambers
Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis

Capricorn

Weather is clement
Perfect diving conditions
Attacked by dolphin

Aquarius

Cashflow shortages
Grubby 1980's mask
Crappy bendy fins

Pisces

Autumn leaves are green
You waste syllables thinking
Not deciduous
Ocean Visions
Spoon Bender

Aries

Scapa skip beats you
With whiskied haggis due to
Stereotyping

Taurus

Open Water Course
Culminates in disaster
Student with rabies

Gemini

New season starting
Should erase In-ger-lund woe
But Wednesday are crap

Cancer

Thistlegorm diving
Man says "Used to be better"
Kick him in the nuts

Leo

Had to wee diving
I couldn't help it sorry
About your drysuit

Virgo

Breakfast on diet
No bacon just toast and jam
Jam jam jam jam jam

Libra

Hundredth dive naked
Tropical trip investment
Avoids asset freeze
And Another One

Scorpio

Triggerfish Tyson
Wakes up grumpy so you go
Sightseeing instead

Sagittarius

Surface Interval
Tea, biscuits and curried eggs
Eggs were a mistake

Celebrity birthday 2010:

A real life celebrity who will be having a birthday on a day in the year 2010 because they're not dead and not fictional is: Achilles.

Stroppy Greek warrior in the Trojan War. Probably fictional. Dead.
Catfish Dive & Safari

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