Issue 10 Chinese Horrorscopes from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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3 December 2024

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ISSUE 10 ARCHIVE - CHINESE HORRORSCOPES This time around, Ruby del Pyramid- Scheme UFO, BSE of Atlantis turns to Eastern Mysticism in order to influence the decision making processes of one in twelve Earthbound informationprocessing life forms. Makes sense really; those oriental types have an inscrutable language and alphabet, different customs, weird superstitions, and most importantly Bruce Lee was AWESOME. On the downside, you could end up with a plague of Gremlins on your hands. Brought to you in association with DNA: "Official genetic instruction carrying nucleic acid of Tanked Up Magazine"; and Whaling: "Get them before they get you".
	Year of the Tiger Using the parlance of the times, were I ten years-old, I would refer to tigers as being "skill", but I've grown up now and so can confirm that they are in fact "brillskill". Tigers are just about the best thing going. Chewing on their little chaps is a sure-fire cure for not fancying the missus; their bones are scientifically proven to cure rheumatism, arthritis and other scientifically incurable ailments; and liquidising them makes for a delicious health tonic. They can't swim, though, cats, so the diving's probably off. Or is it that they can swim but prefer chasing particles instead? I can't remember. You'd best stay inside, barricade the doors and brick up the windows before you get liquidised, anyway.
	Year of the Monkey Monkeys scared of heights and bored of vaguely suggestive yellow fruit will be delighted to learn that climbing and eating bananas was last year's fashion. Instead, 2010 is the year to throw around your own poo. Monkeys definitely can't swim. Human's can though, which just goes to prove that evolution is wrong and astrologisation is right. Year of the Rabbit Rabbit? Pss off. Year of the Dragon As you should have learned by now, Bruce Lee was AWESOME, and two of his films were called Year of the Dragon, so well done you. As a mystical kung-fu fighting oriental sort, you'll probably find that you can easily hold your breath for well over three hours, so as far as diving goes for you, it's a big, camp "Yes!". Not like those Tigers and Monkeys, eh? B****ds. And the Rabbits. Rabbits! Any animal in the world, and these people choose rabbits. Small wonder that the youth of today are all on crack. Anyway, keep an eye out for Chuck Norris on your safety stop. Year of the Snake Snakes, which in actual fact are just worms but with teeth, were the first creatures to be given the bends by humans. That's right animals: this is our manor now. Time to go home. Snakes had their revenge though, when one of them bit Eve on the rib. They had to move house after that. And invent pants, which was the bit that riled Adam as much as anything.
	In terms of subaquatic exploits, I expect you'll be alright. Keep an eye on your buoyancy, maybe. Perhaps check with a diving doc to make sure that snakes are allowed to dive, I don't know really. Year of the Sheep Just do what everyone else is doing. Only joking, you should follow my advice and think for yourself. Send me £100. Year of the Dinosaur Dinosaurs are a mixture of dragons and tigers. It is said (by me, just now) that they have a bite stronger than six small men and can swim faster than any brindled gnu. Dinosaurs can avoid extinction this season by sticking to a well-planned decompression profile, avoiding rapid ascents and difficult conditions such as massive meteorite impacts, or evolving into a chicken. Year of the Megalodon With all these fearsome creatures lining up here (except for the rabbit. Year of the Rabbit. Honestly...), it's a wonder no one has organised a massive play-off fight between them all (in honour of Bruce Lee, who was AWESOME). And that's what I'm doing now. Back of the Nag's Head, Saturday night at, say, 11.20pm. Given the numbers involved (ie. everyone), I suppose there might be justifiable fears that rather than just a pitched battle, this would be an all-out war. War it is, then. Bagsy having the TV rights.
Year of the Loch Ness Monster Being born in the Year of the Ness was once viewed as being a curse by oriental cultures and typical birth rates for such years would plummet to between zero and minus 8.7. Nowadays, of course, we're able to benefit from a more enlightened perspective. You're just an ugly person, that's all. An ugly, ugly person. Stay underwater, it's best for everyone. Those lochs get cold though, so consider wearing a drysuit. A lumpy, weird-shaped, ugly-person's drysuit. Year of the Honda Civic Difficult one this, with the Civic being something that's difficult to think about for more than four seconds without slumping into a coma. Fortunately, there's nine pages on Wikipedia about it. Nine pages. You live on the same planet as the people who wrote that. If you do have a Honda Civic, don't do anything silly like drive it off a cliff. Drive it into an inland dive site instead, in order that it may be reborn as a "feature" and push up entry prices by a few quid. Year of the Rumbelow's Cup Final 1991 (Sheffield Wednesday 1-0 Manchester United). Year of the Fin Pivot Bruce Lee (AWESOME) could do perfect fin pivots out of the water, without even wearing any fins. I read it on the internet.
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