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ISSUE 9 ARCHIVE - ROB'S WORLD: HOW TO BE FUN

RescuEAN
Diving is Fun™©® Patent Pending, All Rights Reserved; so why aren't you?

Girls just want to have fun. You, on the other hand, seem to think that it's impossible to have fun all the time, even if you are a girl. You think the pursuit of knowledge, the furtherance of understanding, being true to your ideals, and contributing to those around you in a creative and positive manner are all equally as worthwhile as being fun. As if.

Fortunately, I have the solutions which will cure you of your insipid boringitude, right here in an abstract bag of answers. Fortunatelier still, rather than enticing you into the bag of answers and then tying it up and throwing you off a pier, I've decided to release them into the wilderness of knowledge instead.

They've formed a ten step trail of wisdom; follow them and you will be transformed from the dull, introspective, quiet one at the back, into the exciting, wacky, centre of attention at the front.

Step 1: Wear a Comedy T-shirt

If you don't wear a diving t-shirt, you're a bastard, but even if you do, no one is going to take you seriously in the fun department if your t-shirt doesn't inspire hilarity. Start off with a slogan like 'Divers do it Underwater' because 'do it' implies sexual intercourse, but really it means diving so you can't get told off by your mum. And even if she wanted to, the laughter wracking her body would render her incapable of disciplinary action. The Advanced Funster will wear a t-shirt containing the words 'off-gassing' or 'bent' wherever possible because, outside of their diving usage, they contain mirth-inducing oblique references to bumgas and homosexuality, respectively. Anyone that doesn't find your t-shirts funny has no sense of humour and you should hit them.

Step 2: Orchestrate Practical Jokes

Everybody loves a japester and any kind of physical comedy, from pushing someone off a boat to ripping their mask off at 40m, is sure to earn you the respect and admiration of your peers as a topquality prankmeister. If the victim of one of your jokes gets upset, you should hit them.

Step 3: Get Hammered at Club Nights

It's not been a good Club Night if you haven't soiled yourself and those around you with at least two bodily eruptions. Alcohol removes those inhibitions that prevent you from being the Sultan of Fun you truly are, so it's best to start early so everyone can benefit from your humorous insights. These are best loudly interjected into other people's speeches from the back of the room. If anyone complains about your behaviour, it's because they're repressed and you should hit them.

Step 4: Remind People That You're Fun

Marketing, as well as being the oldest and most noble profession known to man, is also the most creative and fun. Making frequent references to yourself as being a bit wacky allows you to behave normally whilst reassuring everyone else of your fun credentials. Advertise your sense of humour by saying 'Hey, it's fine, I can take a joke because I have a great sense of humour' whenever you think someone might be making a joke at your expense and then you should hit them.

Step 5: Take Amusing Photographs

Get yourself to Sharm and dive on Yolanda reef. There you'll find the remains of a shipwreck and lots of toilets. If you take a photo of yourself whilst sitting on one of these toilets, you will single yourself out as the biggest fun-merchant on any dive trip, because you're not really going to the toilet: you're diving! Or maybe both, I don't know. If anyone claims to have done this before you, they're lying and you should hit them.

Step 6: Replace your Alternate Air Source With an Underwater Horn

The opportunity for comical antics with an underwater horn are mathematically infinite and range from pressing it repeatedly because it sounds funny right the way through to pressing it repeatedly because it sounds annoying. The louder the horn, the infiniter the range of comedy. If your buddy becomes upset because they've run out of air and you no longer have an alternate air source, you should hit them.

Step 7: Stop Being PC

Political Correctness has gone mad and was only invented to stop you having fun. Racism is a simple pleasure from a bygone era and has never caused anybody any problems. Try out some classic ethnic jokes on your next dive trip and if anyone takes offence you should hit them.

Step 8: Apply Superglue to your Buddy's Regulator Mouthpiece

This is technically an extension of Step 2 but is so japacious it deserves its own listing. Once the glue has bonded to the inside of your buddy's mouth you should hit them.

Step 9: Develop Your Comedy Acting Skills

Get your dive trip off to a great start by arriving at the airport and pretending to have forgotten everyone's tickets. You'll need to really work hard to pull this one off because everyone will be expecting it from a professional funtechnician such as yourself. However, when it transpires that actually, you have forgotten the tickets and somebody groans with disappointment, you should hit them.
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Step 10: Defuse Stressful Situations

Use your funticularity to help avoid panic in times of stress. If a diver is struggling to maintain positive buoyancy on the surface, throw them a line so that it lands just out of their grasp in front of them and ensure you keep it a few jocular centimetres out of their reach as they flail towards it. Keep this classic routine going until they drown or are actually climbing back on board and then you should hit them.

That's all there is to it: when people think of FUN, they'll think of YOU, and that's the mistake that will always keep you one step ahead of them: thinking is what makes people miserable.
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