Issue 8 Sharm Dos and Don'ts - Day Boating from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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24 April 2024

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	ISSUE 8 ARCHIVE - SHARM DOS AND DON'TS - DAY BOATING Sharm Dos and Don'ts - Day Boating Traveller Dayboating Dos Do get on to the top deck as soon as you get on the boat. Once there, put your towel on the floor at the stern (the blunt end). This is prime tanning territory. If you can do this within five seconds of getting aboard, then you will beat the Germans. However if you are a bloke, forget it. You will never beat the girls to this spot. They can do it in three seconds. Do put your shoes in that box always located behind the stairs up to the top deck. At the end of the day, local tradition tells us that you can take any two shoes with you when leaving. Then laugh at the last bloke off the boat walking to his minibus in a green Croc and a pink K-Swiss trainer.
Do remember that the free coffee on board is free for a reason. Arabic Nescafe in those little sachets is in fact all the unsold Mellow Birds from the 1970's simply repackaged. Even the Russians don't drink it, so it ends up on boats where divers are too sea-sick to notice the difference. The milk is from goats - just look at the picture on the side of the squeezy carton. Do call the captain Mohammed. Or variations thereof. M'hmed. Mo-dude. BigMo. If he is not called that then he is either lying or has forgotten his own name and made one up to impress you. If he does not have a moustache then he is not sea-worthy. Do make sure you can recognize an Italian dive boat. Get the Cap'n to moor up alongside around lunchtime. This is when the uber-foxy divers all go topless between their coral wrecking experiences. If you are a girl all the better as the stunning male instructors often need to be oiled up by the girls from the next door boat. It's tradition.
Do remember to go last in the lunch queue. That way no one can 'tut' as you recreate Cheops pyramid on your melamine plate. Those who go first can't be seen to be too greedy and so take only the one piece of chicken and a smattering of pasta'n'sauce. Those at the end can say "I assume the rest is mine". Do get your kit assembled as soon as you can when aboard. This won't make you look like a geek. The crew and other divers will recognize your readiness and know that you are TOP DIVER today. That means you get to shout about fish the most and everyone has to look at your photos first. Do completely ignore the dive briefing (if you are Russian). It's just a suggestion. What the young lad from Essex is trying to say is "it's your holiday... do what you want... just make sure you get on one of these boats at the end... no drowning." Do sit on the toilets at Ras Mohammed and get photographed. It never ceases to amuse. If you've sucked your tank dry and miss out then shit with full dive gear on the boat's khazi and use Photoshop later. Do the third dive if offered. It's always the best one. Yes, they charge you extra but hey, it's almost a night dive. When you are back home twenty-five notes gets you a bus ride and a pint. Not the memories of octopi, sharks and three stamps in your log book. One more than your girlfriend.
Dayboating Don'ts Don't be disappointed when your girlfriend shouts out the name of the dive leader next time she has an orgasm. He will always be fitter, funnier and a better diver than you. His easy charm and perma-tan will permeate her inner sexual core and make you realize that being a milk-white Braintree accountant ain't the be all and end all. If she shouts out the Captain's name, then your relationship is well and truly on the rocks. Go straight to Relate. Don't breathe in too deeply at the end of the pier when finding your boat. The air here is 86% diesel fumes. The skippers like to rev their engines, like a gang of chavs at the lights on their crappy mopeds. Whoever produces more fumes and noise whilst idling invariably has the bigger penis. Don't stand and watch closely as your boat decides to pull another off the rocks. The rope they have tied the two together with will snap. The five inch thick line will recoil at twice the speed of sound, hit you and leave you unconscious. Or dead. This does happen, I have witnessed it and had to revive the idiot who didn't see this coming. I had decided to stay as far away from the rope as possible.
Don't get geared up for the dive too quickly. When the man says five minutes to the giant stride, what he means is about fifteen. The anal amongst us take him at his word then have to sit in 40 degree heat watching our masks irreversibly fog up as the dopey divers go for more pees, fags or have forgotten where they left their camera. Don't touch the bloody coral. That's the job of the Italian and Russian divers. The only thing you can touch is a sea cucumber, and that is because it looks like a sodding great prehistoric turd. And so, has to be checked that it is not one. If it is not, then use it for the comedy-fake-penis-diving photo that'll have your mates roaring at the Camel bar later. Don't worry about that eerie looking bloke staring at your girlfriend as she sunbathes. He is there to help you all out of the water later. The only reason he looks continually at her is to assess her weight for the big haul later. The protuberance in his trousers is because he is a sea cucumber smuggler. Don't throw your fag ends in the bloody sea. You know where they end up. Yes, inside groupers. That is why they have an addiction problem and always seem to pose better for smokers - nicotine is easily smelt underwater and they love your fingers. I find putting your butts in those funny dishes they have with water and loo paper at the bottom works. Though it must ruin the skipper's mustard and cress growing experiments. Don't complain about the crisps served up at lunch. Egypt is a developing country and so is still at the Ready Salted stage. Give it another millennia or so and it will be up with Britain on the World Food Programme Snack Scale [WFPSS], which we lead. Our great grandchildren will then be able to enjoy Ringos, pickled onion Monster Munch and a delicious Skip after a hard morning's diving. Don't worry if you have forgotten your dive knife. I always keep a bit of the pitta bread from lunch for my last dive and use that. It can cut a hole in the side of the Thistlegorm. Don't forget to tip the skip. You will come back. He will remember you. My mate Steve forgot and three years later found his tank filled with piss. He had to be medivaced to Cairo for the delungurinification. Now he wheezes as much as Bernard Manning in his premorbid prime.
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