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Auntie Toomer


Whatever your problem, Auntie Toomer is here to help you out...

Q: I'm in a serious relationship with a girl who is obsessed by diving. She spends every weekend away on dive trips; she only wants to go on diving holidays and even a couple of nights a week she is out with her 'dive buddies'. I feel like she is choosing her dive life over me. I know I shouldn't be jealous, as the time we spend together is great and she looks great in her wetsuit. But I'm scared of the water, even boats. I just don't know what I'd do without her. What should I do?

Ocean Leisure
A: Hi there Tom,

Sounds like you are in a jam there good buddy. Luckily for you, I have the perfect plan.

Unless you want to sit at home alone watching reruns of Friends for the rest of your life, you either have to swallow the fact that she will be galavanting around the world showing off her sexy wetsuit to dozens of horny little divers; or you get a GRIP and take CONTROL.

What you have to realise first and foremost is that diving is unlike any other recreational activity. It could actually be compared to an addiction of kinds and I am afraid that there is NO Divers Anonymous. What we have though is NONE DIVERS ANONYMOUS. These organisations disguise their names under various monikers like PADI, BSAC, SSI, NAUI, IANTD etc. If you can associate yourself with one of these organisations, I promise you will feel like a complete man again. The key here is to find an Instructor/mentor that will help you in every aspect of your quest.

Start slowly, perhaps taking long showers with a mask and snorkel on and progress to the bath. Then rather than sitting up in the bath, try submerging your face. Now it's time to visit your local dive store and progress to Discover Snorkelling and you will be wondering what all the fuss was about. From here it will be plain sailing. Before long you will down there, beneath the surface experiencing heaven in all its glory.
If you want to blow her mind, do this on the quiet and surprise her. She will be yours forever and you will be blissfully happy. That is until she discovers technical diving and rebreathers. Then it won't be your pride that is the problem, it will be your wallet.

Q: I am passionate about scuba diving. I would even go so far as to say I am obsessive about diving. People tell me I'm "Born to dive": even my mum, and mums never lie. However, last week a bloke smelling of alcohol told me scuba is a relatively modern invention. He even claimed that the activity may be less than a hundred years old.

Is this possible? The implication that 100,000 years ago, early homo sapiens didn't spend their time underwater clearly beggars belief, but if true it seems to suggest that scuba diving might almost be considered an "unnatural" activity.

I'm a man and I need to know if man's natural purpose is not to swim around underwater whilst breathing compressed gases. What else could we be here for? I thought I had the answer but the bloke told me that DVDs of lesbian porn are also a relatively recent invention; probably dating back no further than Roman times.

He also told me he was my dad and I was conceived in order that I dedicate my life to administrating pensions, but he had a beard and I don't, so I think he was lying.

But what is the answer? Why are we (by which I mean me) here?

Not Rob

A: My good man,

You have given me a good question to answer here. Thank you.

So, let's get to it. The bloke smelling of alcohol (call him "Jules" for this article) is terribly wrong. In fact, if the PADI Police knew Jules' real name he would be arrested and sentenced to hard labour doing snorkelling excursions for the rest of his miserable little life.

Everyone knows that Captain Nemo invented Scuba thousands of years ago when dinosaurs roamed the earth watch BBC on Christmas day and you will see I speak the truth.

As far as scuba being "unnatural". I've never heard such garbage in all my life. Follow the progression of humanity and you will see we started off as amoeba and THEN hit the water. It was just a few thousand years ago we decided to walk around on earth, only because we were frightened out of the water by Megaladon, the biggest shark. It was only a little while later Captain Nemo and Mr Cousteau allowed us to re-enter our natural surroundings.
Nautilus Lifeline
As far as Lesbian porn is concerned, there is no way that the Italians could ever have invented such a wonderful thing. I mean, what did the Romans ever do for us? Lesbian porn was created in a small council squat in s****horpe when a very young BSAC diver was trying out his new underwater housing in the bath with two Siamese twins from Marrakesh. I am surprised that you were never taught that at school.

If you've got a problem, and if we can find him, maybe you should email Auntie Toomer. You might also like to check out The Diving Matrix.
e-med Arabic

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