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(if you used to work for a bank or are soon to be in negative equity)



"Air is for quairs" as they say in the hardened world of Soviet diving. There's nothing wrong with filling your tank with the effluent of an Irkutsk bolt factory chimney.


New wetsuit. Forgettaboutitt!!! Collect as many free slap-straps from local dive shops. Needle and thread and presto! A Harlequin 3mm.


Can't afford to eat? There's a club night around the corner in London 10 days a month. As long as you love cocktail sausages and a dodgy prawn you won't starve.


Hitch-hike to Stoney. Yes, it's about time this dying art was revived when petrol is more expensive than frankincense. A recent RAC report has shown that there are more rapist perverts driving on the road than ever before. So dressed in neoprene you will only have to wait for a couple of minutes for an interesting ride to Leicestershire.


Renting weights? Are you stupid? The exorbitant cost of over 2 can be easily saved by your local church roof. As God said, "If it's leaden you'll go to heaven". The slates are welded with the stuff. Borrow it for the weekend.


Dive Shows. Easy. Wait until 5 minutes before the end. Free entry and they would rather give it away than have to lug it back to the van afterwards. Anyone a dive bag for a fiver?


Diver tats. There's no point spending proper money for a shark on your biceps. Go to Tahiti. Organise a failed coup. In the 10 years you will spend jailed there's plenty of time for free marine based prison-artistry.


Lube your neckseal with KY. It's gratis if you tell your doc you have hemorrhoids. And are gay.


Need a dive medical and don't want to pay? Take a Maestro card which no-one will accept then offer to go to the cashpoint. Piss off after that with your cert in hand.


"A tank, reg and BCD can easily be replaced by a Fairy Liquid bottle, a piece of hosing and an Easyjet lifejacket". John Noakes to J Cousteau. 1968.
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