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ISSUE 4 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES

Your witch-hunting, geocentric, alchemistic summer of 2008, irrationally divined from the relative movements of massive balls of thermonuclear fusion countless trillions of miles away, by Britain's most inconsistent psychic, Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis.

Brought to you in association with Intelligent Design: "I don't understand it, so God must've done it" and Uranium 235: "A half-life worth living".
Blue O Two
Ruby del
Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis

Gemini

Life has always been about duality for the Twins, but this summer you'll take things to extremes as you try to meld two entirely different realities into one intelligible experience. The first of these is a nightmarish alternative vision of the present, where London struggles to rebuild itself following the devastating misery caused in 1966 when Geoff Hurst's controversial shot in extra time is adjudged by the Scottish linesman not to have crossed the line, and Germany go on to win the World Cup. In this horrific parallel universe, the English are forced to abandon all nationalistic stereotypes and Kenneth von Wolstenholme ensures his place in history with the words "There are some people on the pitch: for you Tommy, zee World Cup is over". This marks the beginning of a general withdrawal from the affairs of the world, and the West, unable to hide behind Britain's might, gives up on capitalism and becomes communist. The general unpleasantness of speaking Russian, wearing grey and living in squares is, however, nothing compared to the shock the world feels at not having the film Star Wars made and in 1982 everyone goes to live in space to make up for it. Unfortunately, the technology never existed to make this possible and everyone has to come back down again after a week, faintly embarrassed, reasonably cold and largely dead.

The other reality is one where Sheffield Wednesday are not generally acknowledged as being the greatest football team on Earth, which is a situation as terrifying as it is unimaginable.
Reef Jewellery

Cancer

It could be a difficult summer for those Cancerians returning from their holidays, as they find they are removed from central government databases as part of a home-office exercise in boredom, and no longer officially exist. Luckily for you, this will present no real problem to your pragmatic nature as you calmly accept what you are told and wink out of existence, but it will place a real burden on the rest of society, in particular the government death squads, bogged-down with the cleanup operation involving the elimination of anyone with any memories of you and, in turn, anyone with any memories of anyone who had any memories of you.

For the Cancerian staying at home, this would be a good time to either a) instigate a retroactive policy in which you have lived as a hermit without ever having contact with another member of society, b) begin fortifications to your home capable of withstanding a prolonged miltary assault, or c) wink out of existence.

For the Cancerian member of a government death squad, the cosmos speaks clearly of the nuclear option as being an effective labour-saving device, particularly when dealing with those living in fortified homes or caves.
London School Of Diving

Leo

For the Leo bitten by a radioactive spider, you will spend most of the next month climbing walls. Your scientific mind will lead you to make the most of this new-found agility by developing special bracelets that allow you to fire some sort of non-specific sticky stuff all over tall buildings that you can swing on. This could make you a bit conspicuous to others, so you might want to think about getting some sort of disguise for yourself. Be on the lookout for Supervillains this summer, especially during big gala events.

The same advice goes for any of you who at a young age saw your parents killed by elaborately made-up underworld types. If you do decide to use your vast fortune to finance a vigilante crusade against crime, I suggest you seek stylistic inspiration from a flying mammal. This will allow you some flexibility with regard to the level of campness you wish to achieve.

For all other Leos, the summer will be business as usual. Unless you were born on the planet Krypton.

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