Issue 4 Diving Deepravities from the Archives of the London Diver Magazine

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26 April 2024

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ISSUE 4 ARCHIVE - DIVING DEEPRAVITIES An evergrowing list of terms to describe all manner of diving-related experiences, incidents and accidents Alex Griffin Diving Leisure London
BREAKFAST WITH FRED AND ROSE The delicious but unnerving breakfast served up at the B&B near Stoney run by the Wests. CLUB NIGHT A chance to get together and discuss important dive related news and absolutely not a drunken free-for-all which ends with you choking on the peanuts that someone thoughtfully placed in the dangerous, technicolour cocktail you attempted to chug through a snorkel. CONTINENTAL CONSERVATION The act of ensuring that the reef is kept protected by climbing all over it in an ugly lime wetsuit and snapping bits off it to show to your buddy who is currently 100m below you on a single 12 litre. CROC'S BITE The result of 3 minutes fighting to extract your cold, wizened penis from 4 layers of undersuit, pull it through a hole 2 inches wide in the pee zip before suffering slippage and the whole arrangement snapping shut on your unfortunate chap. Named after the fact that crocodiles are supposed to have a biting force of 350 kg per square cm. DEPTH CHARGE 1: The premature 'logging of a dive' whilst still 30m down. 2: The effect whereby a large, neoprene clad 'pie abuser' giant strides into the water and empties half the lake. Probably. DIVE LOG The porcelain straining results of 3 bacon rolls, 1 sausage cob, 4 mars bars, 1 twix, 37 cups of tea, 2 cans of coke, 1 lamb jalfrezi, pilau rice and garlic naan, 1 full English breakfast with very loose egg, assorted crisps and a great, big, fuck-off angus burger with bacon and cheese in the service station on the way home.
DIVE PORN 1. Exotic footage of tanned, lithe individuals drifting effortlessly over vivid coral reefs, pristine wrecks in azure waters, mind-blowing sunsets over the gleaming teak deck of the liveaboard, happy smiling faces and delicious food. 2: A stack of razzles from the mid nineties left by the boat toilet. DIVE SHOP BOG ON A SATURDAY MORNING, LIKE A Descriptive of something utterly heinous. Named after the lavatorial results of 12 nervy students voiding their bowels in quick succession prior to the 9:30 ropes off. DIVE SIREN 1: The nubile, Swedish divemaster cunningly placed front of house to lure backpackers into PADI courses with wildly inaccurate estimates of the number of manta rays present in the local area. 2. In UK parlance, the roar of the skipper announcing the 2 second window you have to exit the boat before being called a 'cnut' to your stunned face. NORTHERN DIVER Peculiar geographic phenomenon which causes the individual to demand that all their gear costs £5 and has a logo of a small furry animal on it. PASQUALE'S SQUEEZE Inadequate drysuit weighting leading to compression of the gentlemen's 'trim weights'. Results in a speaking voice similar to that of the high pitched, light 'entertainer'.
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