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It is the buzzword for 2018. Our PM promises it will be gone by 2020.

Attenborough abhors it. And sea life chokes at the very thought of it.

No - not The Donald.


But dear diver are YOU part of the problem or part of the solution?

Q1 You are flying off to distant dive sites and your gold- plated dive kit, worth more than a car is going to be checked in as hold baggage. How do you secure this precious item?

A It will go in my chunky material based wheely case. A solid padlock across the 2 zippers and a "where's my bag" chip is sewn into the base, with full app support to find the baggage in the back of a handler's car, will do.

B Awesome. There's a bloke who will spin a hundred metres of bright green placcy around the dive bag. For an extra tenner I get full bubble wrap padding, and a knife to cut it all away. I think he said "bio-degradable" but I can test that by chucking it off my hotel balcony on arrival and monitoring its decreased size every time I lean out there for a fag each night.

Q2 Your dive club is having a 70's disco night. But Lordy - if the DJ plays any more Rose Royce, Manhattan Foundation or Abba there's gonna be a punch up. Let's request a song to big things up. Name that tune...

A Something earthy, something harmonic with the ebb and flow of nature. Something that represents the camaraderie of us divers as we help protect the world. "Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels

B Go Belgian with Europe's favourite proto-punk. "Ca plane pour moi". Plastic Bertrand please Mr DJ. And play it on vinyl whilst you're at it.

Q3 Your new dive buddy-girlfriend has turned vegan. And she is getting more serious about this. A total lack of bacon is worsening her mood dive by dive. She is now looking at your fine leather shoes and making "hmmmm-ing" noises. What do you do?

A You love her as she's the only diver you have met that has half a tank of air left when you have guzzled all yours. That lack of cheese must have increased her lung efficiency. Leather shoes to the charity bin. And welcome to the dark blue espadrilles in my footwear display cabinet.

B There's new shoes for a fiver down my local street market. They seem to melt a bit when placed near a radiator, so must be made of PVC. But no worries as her lack of sausages, BabyBels and Big Macs are soon going to compromise her ability to lift my weary body out of the ocean. And to carry 2 pints from the bar. That's when it's all over. Then I simply fly-tip the footwear and the old shoes are revealed when she takes her sacks of couscous out of the kitchen.

Q4 All that diving has made me thirsty. Must be the osmosis, the sun and the stinking hangover after all that dodgy Saqqara "beer". Let's get a drink at the hotel bar as soon as I get in. But - problem. The pint of Coke in the glass is at least 6 inches away from my mouth. How do I get to consume it?

A I simply either lean forward a bit, place mouth to glass rim and slurp. Or I place the glass into my hand and lift it a bit to place against my buccal cavity and slurp. Fairly straight forward.

B - I shall insist upon a single use hollow pipe-like object which allows me to suck down the fluid without moving any part of my body except my cheeks. I shall then take this so called "drinking pipe" on my next dive and shove it into a groupers mouth and tell him it's a snorkel.

Q5 Congratulations you have reached the final of Pointless. Alexander Armstrong asks you what you will do with the jackpot if you win it. You and your dive buddy say you will both go on a liveaboard. You win the paltry grand, wishing you had entered The Chase for a bit more booty. After flights, insurance and excess baggage you have £100 left for the actual boat. Your cabin is in the bilges with no service or cleaning. How do you dispose of all the rubbish that is now blocking the door?

A Best to separate all the paper, plastic and organic waste into 3 different piles. One can be given to the ship's galley to trash with food left-overs. One can be folded up neatly and put into re-cyc when back on shore. The other I will take all the way back home with me to dispose of properly.

B There is a clear window after the last night-dive and the first dawn-dive. So I have 4 hours in which to let it all accidentally fall out of my hand into the sea. I am sure the current will take it to China where they make energy out of this sort of stuff.

Q6 Your Dive Club wants to raise money for a good charitable cause. Scuba Trust or something sharkey. At the meeting to decide how to do this you are asked for your suggestions. What your big idea?

A No brainer. Beach clean up. Last week the club RIB's propeller was entwined in fishing line. You saw 2 rays encased in Tesco bags and even the crabs had somehow gotten elastic bands everywhere. Filthy stuff. Let's clean it all up so our children and grand-children can enjoy nature as it was intended.

B How about we all binge-watch Game of Thrones. That's like a million hours of telly. And we can sustain ourselves on Deliveroo Chinese deliveries. All the empty placcy cartons can be put in the local council recyclable plastic bin liners. Because they do recycle them properly don't they.

Q7 Fruit eh! Delicious and part of your five a day. Let's stock up before the dive. Where do you go to get your citrus joy?

A My local ethically sourced Fairtrade vendor. You can buy such goodies that not only sustain yourself when needing a sugar boost, but also supports many communities around the world in an environmental way. Not only does that orange make ME feel better, but I feel better for the good that it does for the planet when I eat it.

B I go to a shop, part of a fast declining high street brand that my Mum used to buy her bras and my socks from that always encases said consumable in thick layers of plastic. You just don't know who could have touched the fruit from picking to packing to purveying. And despite its thick outer protective peel there's no way I am going to get Ebola as part of my 5 a day.

Q8 Blinkin' Flip. All this Global Warming is making me freeze to death after a dive in the UK. Can we get some outrageous temperatures here please. Especially in Portland in April. So how shall I warm up immediately after a dive?

A My trusty fleece. You know they make it from re- cycled plastic bottles. The warmth doesn't just come from the material. It comes from feeling good too. Yeah, I know the zipper is bust and it smells of chips and fox spoor after my partner used it to clean the dog after she walked it after her breakfast. But that is fleecy-life. Mine is a brand that translates to "mountain house" and I get great looks back from other divers in the car park when I wave at them with the same brand as myself.

B Lucky I saved all that bubble-wrap from my last Amazon purchase. Buddy holds one end, and two twirls later I am as snuggly as a kettle in a large brown box posted to me from some weird place in France that has been with the neighbours for a fortnight. Not sure where it gets to though, after leaving it by the overfull bin at Fleet Services during Storm Trevor.

Q9 We need a new wreck at my local dive site. Thanks to the cuts at the MoD they want to offload an aircraft carrier. How shall we sink it?

A Lets use some fertilizer, ammonia concentrated from my own urine and Fairtrade sugar. Brown not white it's healthier. Detonate with a box of Swan Vesta matches lit from a longish thread of Crofters Ethical Wool.

B - Hit the Dark Web. Buy some plastic explosives from the CIA by pretending to be Ukrainian. Don't worry where the nano-particles go after the explosion. Probably into fish and the food-chain. Not my problem.

Q10 You suddenly realise that most of the world's problems are due to over-population and we will double that human volume before England ever win a World Cup again. What do you do as a humble diver?

A Call the Vatican to discuss with the Pope his attitudes towards birth control. Get put on hold as he is Canonising at the moment. Get fed up of the Gregorian chant music and ring off as it's a quid a minute to call.

B - Refuse to have the flu jab next winter as an offering to take yourself out of the population explosion. Make sure your will states "Burial at Sea encased in the bubble wrap from IKEA's flatpack coffin". Your grieving family will most likely lose the allan key for assembly. Home by midnight. Doh.


Mostly A's: Go and buy an Ireland rugby shirt. Marry the Topshop bosses daughter. Cover yourself in clover. Watch a re-run of Opportunity Knocks. You are greener than a dollar bill. Celebrate.

Mostly B's: Hang your head in shame Sir or Madam. Because of you I have to pay 5p a shopping bag and end up stealing the trolley and dumping it in a local lake.

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