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Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis

ISSUE 13 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES

Capricorn

Summer is always a wonderful time for Capricornia with daisies and unicorns and frolicking and trifle and general gaiety. Unfortunately, the Capricious living in the southern hemisphere will actually be heading into winter and so the stars predict a much more stressful time for them as they become hellbent on travelling north of the equator and wiping out anybody with the same star sign as them in as violent and efficient way as possible. Gosh, what fun! Just like Arnie.

Aquarius

Aquastrians love diving because they're all about water. Water, water, water. They love it; it's the law. Natural law, homeopathic law, aromatherapeutic and Sharia law. Unfortunately, due to Health & Safety gone mad, Aquads will be denied access by Eurocrats to all liquids throughout the rest of 2011, so diving will be off the cards. And so will drinking anything. What a dry little time you'll have, Aquarius. Gosh, what fun! Bit of an uncomfortable death at the end of it all, though.
The Underwater Channel
Spoon Bender

Pisces

Piscetarians generally take to diving like fish to water; and that's because they were born under the sign of the fish. Complicated, I know, but don't worry; I'm a professional astrologian. Unfortunately, this summer it will be become clear that some Piscwads are subverting their genetic heritage by not actually being very good at scuba diving. Soon everyone will be watching everyone, looking for the slightest sign of a buoyancy error or configuration gaffe. Gosh, what fun! It will be just like a witch-hunt. With folk being burned at stakes and everything.

Aries

Summer time is das fun time for all Arians, with larks, hi-jinks and rampages to be had by all. The target of this season's pogrom will be the Tauruscans whom, it is rumoured, prefer diving in warm water to cold and are shit at fin-pivots. Gosh, what fun! Unfortunately, in the event that the season doesn't last a thousand years, there's always a chance that future generations will frown upon this sort of behaviour and have you tried and hung. Inconvenient!

Taurus

With their spindly limbs and enormous heads, Taurants are like fish out of water when they're in water and this paradox leads to a collapse of the space-time continuum and threatens to destroy the entire universe. Unfortunately Taureos will survive this and awake to find themselves in a universe with no laws of physics. Confusing! With no possible scientific framework, what better time to break out the astrology books? Gosh, what fun!

Gemini

Geminems are like the fluffiest bunnies in the world during summertime, gambolling happily amongst the pastures, eating grass and fornicating. Gosh, what fun! Unfortunately, this season it's myxomatosis time, and any Gembolayas surviving the plague will be taken out by farmers with shotguns.
And Another One

Cancer

Bees (repeatedly attacked by).

Leo

Famous for their domestic abuse and crimes against humanity, Leopolds will find themselves softening up this summer as a new love enters their lives. Gosh, what fun! Unfortunately, your new love is a poisonous, sinister sort that will use this newfound softness to bully you first into despair, and then into axe-wielding homicidal activity. All in the space of an hour and a half which, frankly, begs questions about your mental state in the first place. Nutter.

Virgo

Douglas Freeman of 65 Station Road is going to die on July 28th.

Libra

Cold is Kryptonite to Librarians: it doesn't really do much. After all, Librats aren't Superman. In any case good news is that the ice age is over for another year so it's the perfect time for Libroids to get back in the water or finally do that entry-level diving course. Gosh, what fun! Unfortunately, due to government cutbacks with regard to cadavers, any body of water that you enter will be flash-frozen using, er, technology and you will be dismantled by medical students who remain unaware that vestiges of your consciousness still remain, as they slap their cohorts in the face with bits of you for larks.

Scorpio

The Scorpulent don't believe in astrologity but fortunately astrologity believes in the Scorpulent. As Scorpuscles try to pretend the movements of objects light years away have no effect on their daily lives this summer, those very same massive balls of thermonuclear plasma have their revenge by making their boss a bit angry at work or failing to win the lottery for them. Gosh, what bastards!

Sagittarius

The summer of love is here for Sagits as you wander about the local dive club in your pants, eating chocolate and drinking beer. Gosh, what fun! Unfortunately, glorious summer is made winter of discontent by Alan, the pencil pusher with the beady eyes, who's found some 'regulation' in some 'book' somewhere that prohibits diving after the imbibement of over 47 units of alcohol. Kill him. Kill Alan.
Reef Jewellery

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