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Auntie Toomer

ISSUE 12 ARCHIVE - PAUL TOOMER, AGONY AUNT

Whatever your problem, Auntie Toomer is here to help you out...

Dear Auntie Toomer,

I have a problem, I feel my skin is like a blank canvas. All that is there are a few spots and some hair on my left shoulder. Most divers seem to have some adornment, but not me. The odd thing too, is that my favourite creature is a sea cucumber. Should I get one of those tattooed from my pelvis up to my belly button?

Jeff Whittle, Chatham

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A: Well Jeff,

Thank you so much for your email.

For the first time since I started answering this agony column I actually do feel qualified to answer this question. However, before I start answering, I need to know if you are religious at all. Because if you are, you better check out what the Good Book has to say about all this tattooing business. You could be heading down a very dangerous road here my friend.
I have done a little research for you into what The Lord feels about you adorning your body with images. The Bible states, and I quote, "It is to not accept God's workmanship". True, our bodies are fallen, but each of us was specifically designed by God. "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well" (Psalm 139:14 KJV). To alter our bodies by means of tattooing, is not accepting our bodies as God has made them. Also, involved in this is the unnaturalness of tattooing.

Beauty that is condoned in Scripture is natural beauty. Tattooing is highly unnatural. "It is to harm the creation, the body that God has made."

So make no bones about it Jeff, you are going to have to answer at the Pearly Gates as to why you marked God's vessel. I honestly don't know if you will end up in hell for the rest of eternity being tortured by the Horned God or whether the Big Guy will just give you thirty Hail Marys before opening the gates to eternal clouds and harps.

Though Jeff, the sea cucumber is hardly beautiful. However, if you did it in 3D and provided your partner with glasses we could be on to a winner. Some species of sea cucumbers are covered in large hairs and your own pubic growths could be used to enhance the 3D effect.

I spoke to my tattoo artist last week and he says that 3D tattoos have still not been perfected, so I would advise a bloody great moray eel.

If you decide to get tattooed, you may find yourself on the receiving end of ridicule and disgust. Unfortunately, some sections of society still harbour prejudice against us tattooed individuals. But just remember this one statement, "The difference between someone who does and does not have a tattoo is that we (tattooed ones) don't mind that they DON'T have a tattoo".

I hope this helps mate,

AT
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