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Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis

ISSUE 12 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES

Capricorn

As Venus and Saturn connect, you know your heart well and could win or win back the right dive buddy. Dive briefings get results because every word is sincere. Your blend of unusual diving practices and a meticulous attention to detail will impress at work or in a job search. Luck and new love are linked to someone that has a letter of the alphabet in their name.

Aquarius

As Jupiter and Pluto connect, you know your bile duct well and could win or win back the right dive computer. Underwater navigation exercises get results because every turn is left. Your blend of psychotic personality disorders and bewildering array of semiautomatic weapons will impress at work or in a running gun battle. Luck and new love are linked to stalking a celebrity.
Travelling Diver
Spoon Bender

Pisces

As the Moon and a cosmic ray connect, you know your trampolines well and could win or win back the Nobel Prize for trampolinery. Helium inhalation gets results because every word is squeaky. Your blend of death metal and panpipes will impress at a deaf institute or in an animal sanctuary. Luck and new love are linked to knowing the names of all the Smurfs.

Aries

As the Milky Way and Andromeda collide, you know your London street values well and could win or win back 200 in a game of Monopoly. Badger-baiting gets results because every badger is baitable. Your blend of tomato sauce and trifle will induce vomiting at work or in a job centre. Luck and new love are linked to a scrofulous rodent.

Taurus

You are a brilliant fin pivoter, knowing when to go up and when to er, when not to go up. Single? The whisper of neoprene is growing stronger. Already involved? Venus makes love feel like stroking a stonefish and important questions should be replied to within 20 working days. Luck connects you to a business known by its name.

Gemini

You are a brilliant airline employee, knowing when to be surly and unhelpful and when to stab a blunt knife into your own throat. Single? The whisper of insanity is growing stronger. Already involved? Venus makes love feel like an 80s rock anthem and important questions should be easier to ignore by singing loudly using your fist as a microphone. Luck connects you to an electrode.
And Another One

Cancer

You are a brilliant aardvark, knowing when to eat ants and when to vark aards. Single? The shout of your mother to come in for your tea is growing stronger. Already involved? Gliese 581c makes love feel like yeti's beard and important questions should be addressed to someone less irresponsible. Luck connects you to all of the winning lottery numbers but they come unstuck in the bath.

Leo

You are a brilliant human resources consultant, knowing when to breathe in and when to breathe out. Single? The size of the world's internet porn collection is growing exponentially. Already involved? Twiglets give love the texture of sticks and important questions should be asked in a comedy falsetto. Luck connects you to velcro.

Virgo

Your cash chart is full of surprises but the underlying security of a large, gaseous planet an enormous distance away ensures you handle it well. Mercury gives a mix of radiation poisoning and diarrhoea that could open many work doors. Love is cosy and committed but with a spark of a taser resulting in excruciating pain if you get too close. Single? A man without teeth is The One.

Libra

Your cash chart is full of zeroes but the underlying threat of a large, violent gangster ensures you overcome any disinclination to resort to crime. Mercury gives a mix of gin and brandy that could see you kicking down many work doors. Love is upsetting and needy but with a spark of boredom that leads to long-term emotional trauma. Single? Your boss's long-term partner is The One.

Scorpio

Your regulator mouthpiece is full of spiders but the underlying anaphylactic respiratory paralysis ensures you handle it, well, quietly. Mercury gives a mix of keys and knocking that could open many work doors. Love is depressing and depraved but with a spark of infidelity resulting in disease. Single? Paris Hilton is The One. Run to her.

Sagittarius

Your cash chart is full of dive-related frippery but the underlying security of Satan ensures your enemies will be smitten. Mercury is a small planet near the sun that has little to do with doors, work-related or otherwise. Love will tear us apart again. Single? Believing in horoscopes and homeopathy won't help.
Surf And Turf Safaris

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