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Auntie Toomer


Whatever your problem, Auntie Toomer is here to help you out...

Dear Auntie Toomer,

I think his addiction is back. I'm 26 years old and have been with my 29 year-old boyfriend for around 6 months. We have always had a good time together, shared some great relaxing holidays and have always got on really well up until a few weeks ago when he started to act a little strangely.

Over the past few weeks he's been disappearing for a few days or a week at a time and nobody has been able to contact him. He has put a lock on the spare room door and won't let me in the bathroom whenever he gets back (it always smells of damp neoprene afterwards) and he's constantly making excuses about not being able to afford to go out.

Halcyon Eclipse Infinity
Up until a year ago my boyfriend was a diving addict but claims that he would never go diving again because of the amount of money he constantly spent on equipment and that he was unable to think about anything else other than his next dive trip. Diving had taken over his life. But with the way that he's acting it makes me think that maybe he is back diving.

I really don't know what to do because I love him so much and don't want to lose him, but if he is diving again I don't think that it would be a good idea to stay with him as I have a penniless future to look forward to.



A: Dear Bella,

Thank you so much for your email. Let's start with the possibility that you are wrong and that he has not returned to the 'Dark Side' of diving. If this is so, I guess our first question should be, "what the hell is he doing?" I mean disappearing for days at a time. What on earth could be going on? I reckon I have got the answer.
I think he is deeply upset with you for shielding him from his wonderful world of SCUBA. I believe he has gone underground and discovered a fetish. My guess is he has gone for the scuba replacement fetish, which is being wrapped in brown paper and covered in goose lard. When goose lard and brown paper are mixed they happen to emit a neoprene like smell. You are lucky and he is only in stage one of his fetish. Stage two is the 'onion up the bum' stage. You will lose him for sure if you do not do something to help him right now. It is imperative that you act. I suggest that you get over yourself. You are going out with a MAN right? He needs to be treated like a man too.

I think your boyfriend has realised that life with you is dull. Let me guess, you like sitting on beaches, watching sunsets, holding hands and taking long walks? I mean you even mention that you "get along well" and you "share relaxing holidays". I think if you looked carefully you are to blame not him. He is a gatherer of wood, a hunter, a wild one and you should play on those features.

You have three solutions. The first and second may or may not work. The third is a sure fire winner.

Solution one would be cook him a nice dinner and pleasure him orally. It may work but hey… who knows how far he has gone. Perhaps invite some of your girlfriends around too.

The second solution would be to call a suitable diving instructor and enroll him in a technical diver programme. This will enable him to release all pent up tensions and return to you (periodically) for nice meals and the occasional oral delights.

The final solution would be to take the bull by the horns and get involved in a spot of diving yourself (no not more oral pleasuring, don't worry) and spend all the money before he has a chance to. Chances are you will find that you are the strong one in your relationship. I mean, what kind of wimp is your boyfriend if he resorts to sneaking out and relieving his tensions. If he loved you he would convince you that scuba is the only way.

So, I say, call your local dive centre now. I guarantee you no end of Open Water Scuba Instructors that will look after your every whim.

I do hope this helps,


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