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by Jackie Barrie

  • Easy to knit and easy to wear
  • Highly absorbent for improved negative buoyancy
  • Hide those embarrassing stray pubic hairs

Materials required

  • 1 x 50 gram super chunky yarn in sea water green
  • 1 x 50 gram neoprene-rich Phishfood Flava yarn
  • 1 packet shirring elastic (stretch) for tight seal around ankles
  • 1 pair 5mm (number 6) knitting needles


To fit one average semi-cellulitic lower half.


Six stitches to every inch. Bacardi and Coke taken every half hour, or as required.

To make

With main colour, cast on enough stitches to circumnavigate waist. Stop. Have a rest, pace yourself, breathe slowly and deeply. Knit one, purl one until 'Eastenders' has finished. Eat one Scotch egg and a banana. Allow to digest. Knit some more knits and purl some more purls. Thread shirring elastic through ankle holes and sit in the bath to shrink-fit. Remember, comfort is your number one priority. Enjoy!

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