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Counterfeit Ketchup

ISSUE 10 ARCHIVE - DIVING DOWNSIDES

Jules Eden

I love it. You love it. That bloke down the pub with all the kit who never gets wet loves it. So there has to be... a downside.

MALE SEAHORSES
Christ, do you ever feel that someone is letting the side down? Just as our World Cup jaunt is looking good, the players start shagging each others' wives. Or get injured. But this is but a tiny example compared to the greatest sin of all. We're blokes for God's sake. We drink, smoke, play the field and have a benign attitude to the R word. Responsibility.
Regaldive
Handbag Glam A mate of mine's wife has just had a baby. "Can you plump my cushion? Can you bring me a glass of water? Can you earn more for all three of us?" He looks at her blankly and wanders off to the pub as men have been doing for the last 8 million years. His passing comments are, "Honey, I am but a man and not good at child care. You are a woman, were given a womb, that's your job." But you know what she and all their friends say to their partners...? Yes? "Male seahorses look after ALL the children and get pregnant too. Why can't you be more like them?" B******s. They give blokes a bad name.

All we need next is to find out that male squid do the bloody shopping. Or dogfish actually volunteer to do the housework and ironing for bitchfish. Stop letting us down, you the seahorses and sodding well buy a Racing Post and hang out in a bookies, to win enough to feed the kids, like the rest of us.
DPVs
(Diver Propulsion Vehicles, in case you were too embarrassed to ask) In my book anything that only goes at two nautical miles an hour and runs off a couple of triple As can't have the word "propulsion" in the title. And is it me, but do I keep seeing these things for sale at the airport duty free? Since when is Dixons a dive shop for Poseidon's sake? No wonder the world is in recession when some store thinks, "Yes, let's sell these heavy objects to travellers who are weight-restricted more than a bantam weight ‘boxer'. Come on Dixons, sell us divers something we really need, like a RIB with twin 80's on the back. That'll get Ryanair reaching for the scales.

"THE ABYSS"
It started so well: wrecking crew; the big hairy bloke we all liked; some eye-candy and naughty military types with secret diving stuff. So why the f*** does Cameron have to stick bloody aliens in it at the end? And not even proper decent aliens, but pink, fluffy ones that don't even bite and maim you. Bonkers. It ruined my illegal download experience. But Hollywood had the last laugh. Oh yes, they have been waiting all this time for payback. Ruin a good film again James and you will find another ex-wife pips you at the post for an Oscar with a twenty quid fly on the wall docudrama versus your life's work.

PEE VALVES
I don't really know how they work, but is there really a problem with pissing in your dry suit? It's supposed to be cold isn't it? Hence the gear. So, warm up those little tootsies of yours with high temperature urine. Or borrow your granddad's catheter if you have a problem with bathing your feet in E Coli on a three hour deco stop. Mind you, I met a Norwegian tech diver who sold a piss-ridden dry suit to a German golden shower fetishist on eBay for over two grand. Pass the diuretics please, O3 have a sale on [probably].

TOMATO KETCHUP
You've just come up from your inland diving experience. Suffered four degree temperatures all day, and queued for too long. But here it is in your hand at last, the bacon buttie, greasy with fat and nutritious as ever. "Sauce Sir? they ask. And you of course reply, "Yes." At home you have it. In the Savoy Grill they have it. On Execution Row you will have it. Heinz Tomato Ketchup. So what the hell is this red shit that tastes of vinegar and food dye you've just ruined my sarnie with? Catering sauce. It's an abomination. So dive-site-food-van-owners get your ass out of Costco and get down to ASDA like the rest of us.

BROWN SAUCE
See above. But it doesn't really matter does it with this one? The brand is HP. Houses of Parliament sauce. Yeah right! So our MPs really do chuck this stuff onto their swan starter and sturgeon main course. I reckon the only ones who ever used this sauce in the Seat of Democracy were Dennis Skinner and Michael Foot. Can you really see the Tories using it? Well no, unless Redwood has smeared it over Widdecombe's body for a preelection sex stunt.
Ocean Visions
So cheap substitute away there, we don't really care enough.

UNDERWATER JESUSES
Whose idea was this anyway? Most people get put off church after a couple of divinity lessons and some ritual abuse after a confessional. Can't there be some place left on this planet that purveyors of pre-medieval myths can leave alone? Oh no, just when you are in a mellow sub-aqua zone, up pops a blinkin' soggy Jesus. I thought he was supposed to walk on water, not live under it. I wonder if during his ultimate sacrifice for humanity he thought whilst on the cross, "there'll be a lot of this stuff at twenty metres in the future." Probably not, he was still pissed with Judas and his feet hurt. My vote for underwater iconoclasm would be Churchill. At least you could hold onto the cigar in a strong current. Then again, John Holmes would be better for that.

SHARK FEEDING Can we feed them something socially useful. Please. If we are going to corrupt their feeding habits, affect their karma and make them into a wildish sort of zoo experience, then at least let society benefit.

There's a group of yobs on mopeds with pit bulls near me, I certainly would like to see made into chum for starters. Failing that, losing national football teams, bent politicians and irritating handbag dogs would do. Can you blend and freeze them? Oh yes, you can Stuart Cove.

Does anything about diving annoy you? Send us your "Diving Downsides".
LDC Training

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