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ISSUE 8 ARCHIVE - DIVING DOWNSIDES

Jules Eden

The Underwater Channel
I love it. You love it. That bloke down the pub with all the kit who never gets wet loves it. So there has to be... a downside.

DIVE DOCTORS
Just whaddathey know. The last one I saw didn't even dive. Fool. He thought my VR3 was made by Mazda and did 0 to 60 in four seconds. Next thing was a bill for two hundred quid 'cos I had a hernia when I was four and he deigned to look at my groin. I had to bring the blinking form as well. A blood pressure would have been welcome at least. Next time I'm gonna ask if the bastard dives before going for an appointment. Least ways he'll understand what it's like to have a remora stuck to your manhood on a piss stop at 50 metres. Can't ruin a good wetsuit.

INLAND DIVE SITES
It's not a "shore". It's a fuggin' car park. Seas have lovely shingle watery edges. Quarries in Northumbria have concrete laid down for the sole purpose of leaving your Mondeo on a safe level surface. So just call it that and don't pretend you're the ocean.

TOURISTS (NON-DIVER)
Just what is there to do in Sharm for 2 weeks. I did warn them at the baggage carousel. Melanoma by Tuesday and a sore arse from quadbiking on Thursday. Lost your money at the casino Friday... and there's still a week to go. Should've gone to Magalouf ladies.

BAGGAGE CAROUSEL
I call this "the Leveller". I was on a flight with an A/B celeb to a dive destination. Somehow he got first class on a cheap flight. How this was possible, I don't know as all the seats are the same. Maybe a handjob in the loos. Anyways... you can be as famous as you want, treated as a God, but your bag comes off the same rubber circly thing as mine. And you know what happened? Mine came off first. So eat your Oscar. Your million dollar movie deal. Your top model girlfriends. You're still waiting. I'm being butt-searched in customs. Who's the daddy now?

CLUB NIGHTS
They all fancy you, you funny man with your tattoos and your course director cert. They love your wit, hang on your every word. You sleep with them all, but what is left for me. The newbie with acne and she has a boyfriend. I DM for you every weekend for a tenner. At least let me do the speech one week and I can find love forever. But you can't 'cos it's your show. And I have a regular job with the electricity board. One day I will run my own club - but I can't at the moment as I can't risk losing my state pension.
SPEARFISHERMEN (FAT AMERICAN)
Just where do you get off on this shit? It is just too damn easy. It's seal clubbing underwater. It's kicking a puppy nailed down by the ears and claiming victory in a fair fight. It's like shagging your wife and calling it a "pull". You are sad. The fish won't fight back, they look at you all fishy "what's this?" and you stick a harpoon through them. Do you eat it after? No, you go to KFC. Are your kids hungry? No, they're all chunked up on nuggets. So, why kill something probably older than you and call it sport? 'Cos you're a twat, that's why.

GIRLFRIEND (WHO'S YOUR BUDDY)
Yeah, she bolted at Ras Mo on me. One minute she's there, next minute I can't see her for diddly. But you know what? It was me that had to apologise for not watching out for her enough to see her shoot up to the surface. Shit, I was looking at fish 'n' stuff I said. Didn't see you go honey. Anyway it was my fault. Not hers. Go figure.

STONEY COVE (PARKING)
I have no problem with that. I like sleep. I like exercise. So, a 9 am arrival necessitating a 100m kitted walk is just cool by me.

FROGFISH
Man these dudes are ugly. Man these dudes look nothing like frogs. So what's the deal with them? They have been GM'ed by Nikon that's what. Forget food. It's all about underwater photography... there's a conspiracy to get us all down there snapping away and the weirder the creatures out there, the more cameras they sell. Bring on Toadfish I say.

COMMERCIAL DIVERS
Look mate, you may have paid twenty grand for the ticket. You can do surface supply diving and have the six pack to prove it. But pulling dead salmon out of a tank ain't exactly a career is it? Go on, make your kids proud, do Media Studies at Lanchester University.

NUDIBRANCHS
That something so delicate, so beautiful, could be so small. Supermodels. So beautiful and delicate they can be that tall. Personally I am well confused over this tortology.

FINS
The bloke that invented them was called Sir Tristran Flipper. That's right. Flipper. So that's what they should be called. Fins are what fish have on their backs. We are not covered in scales and we are in their world not ours. So, let's all make like the dolphins our closest underwater relative and be proud to call them flippers.

Does anything about diving annoy you? Send us your "Diving Downsides".
Ocean Leisure

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