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Auntie Toomer

ISSUE 13 ARCHIVE - PAUL TOOMER, AGONY AUNT

Whatever your problem, Auntie Toomer is here to help you out...

Dear Auntie Toomer,

Please don't laugh at this as all my mates do already. I am 6 foot 4, ripped and a semi-professional cage fighter. In my spare time I do mountain rescue and some stunt work. I have more tattoos than you, mainly of snakes and sharks and my last probation officer called me a 'psychotic hard man'.

But since watching Finding Nemo, I have become terrified of clown fish. With their foul white stripes on that devilish orange colouration; evil little fins and sadistic eyes I can't dive any more.

What is even worse is that in the movie they seem to be intelligent and can speak. Is this Satan's work? They could easily find their way to my house and bed and breed in my colon.

My doctor says to take mental pills, but can you think of a better way to rid the seas of Lucifer's own fish?

Yours truly,

Barry Storm

Regaldive
A: I totally understand your predicament Barry. I used to love reef diving until one time in Sharm I was attacked by one of these little b*****ds. They sit there all safe surrounded by a poisonous anemone and give everything a whole pile of attitude. It's like going into the City of London and seeing all the bankers swanning around like they own the place. Even though they now work for the public they still give us attitude.

You made reference to the fact that the anemone fish is nicknamed the clown fish, much like the bankers, we have resorted to calling them clowns too. Did you know that clown fish, like most other fish, have very short memory spans, sometimes no more than three seconds long. Quite retarded. I'm sure you'll agree? Well, the banking industry also has a short memory span, about three months is all it took them to get themselves back to ridiculous bonuses and resuming their old ways. Neither the clown fish nor the banker seems to learn. I call that retarded.

Can you see a pattern emerging? Attitude. Clowns. Retards.

So how do we help you get over it? I don't think that you could go diving with a spear gun and shoot every clown fish you see. Much like we can't walk into the City and randomly maim the odd banker.

We have to forgive them their failings and allow them to make amends. This is what the righteous man would do. But we are not righteous my friend. You and I are tattooed motherf***ers with a whole attitude all of our own, brother. So, the simplest way to get over this is withdraw all your money from the bank, leave them not a penny and show them the retribution they deserve. Then get a ticket to Malta. The water is blue. We have deep manly wrecks. Hard core wall diving. And NO clown fish. So no one will see you crying and aborting your dives when you are faced with the mammoth evil that is CLOWN FISH!

I hope this helps mate. If not, I would suggest you MTFU (Man The F**k Up).

AT

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